feeling so awful.
guess nobody'll really understand this unless they're taking the exact same combi as me.
what have i gotten myself into, why have i always taken the wrong path?
feel so stupid, so inadequate.
let's just keep dancing_____.
currently hiding in some obscure corner in nus, my so-called secret place, which isn't so secret anymore because quite a number of people know now.
of course i'm not at the exact location because there're people there. so i moved to another nearby location, which isn't as nice and peaceful, but serves as a sufficient alternative.
guess i'm pretty predestined to be a loner-for-life. the structure and life of this nus regime just inculcates loneliness and independence. which i guess i'm doing quite fine now.
motto: just do my things
finally completed all assignments and essays. the only thing to work for now, finals. which kinda sucks because i actually have 5 finals! negligence on my part to not consider the fact that all the mods i take are examinable!! and worst still, 3 consecutive papers in a week horrors.
meanwhile i'm in that awesome-no-more-essays-assignment mood. so just let me indulge in that mode for a while before i return to reality!
haven't been updating my blog much of late. everytime i get to the blogging page, i get all omg i should be studying mood. and so i discontinue my initial state of yay-let's blog!
today's different i guess. i should blog more often, organize my thoughts and feelings in a slightly more structured way rather than having it clustered and mashed up all in my brain.
i know this is a little belated and all. but i just want to talk about my birthday. the time of my life when i get to see all my valuable and precious friends!!
my first so-called birthday celebration started with claire and nana. we were out watching FAME together. and they caught me by surprise by getting me apple strudel with a candle stuck on top. not to forget, claire's queer personality test to find out what kind of cake i like. funniest thing would be me not knowing about it at all! it was a very sweet gesture!
following that would be my awessoommeee fungus gathering. we went to timbre. first time for most of us at a pub, which didn't exactly look like a pub. well the five of us shared 2 glasses of like cocktail. looking very much like noobs because we totally had no clue with regards to alcoholic drinks! ordered plenty of food, ate in darkness and feared that things would drop into our food without our knowing! after that, when we got out, i was suddenly blindfolded and they made me (after that i realized) walk in circles! and ta da a nice cake full of candles was before my eyes when i was released from my blindfold! it was really nice! full of surprises. fungus outings are always great. we may not be the bunch of people who'll go out to do fun fun party party things, but we are instead linked together by our hearts!
dinner with clarence was up next. he wanted to treat me to expensive expensive expensive dinner. but i think my stomach's not worth it. i mean i'll shit it out ultimately isn't it? haha, i mean it's nice once in a while, but clarence yen, spend that money on your gf instead! nice gesture from him though, shows how important i am! or that, he is just freaking rich, which he is actually (: next time perhaps yen, when i have money to treat you an expensive dinner too, then you can bring me to another expensive dinner (: he drove me though, with the superbly cool convertible BMW which was sooo flashy but so stylo! it made me feel, i don't know, rich suddenly. haha. ended up eating fish-and-co and the conversation was basically full of his suan-ings -.- no comments. but thanks clarence!! you still owe me a present. and i don't want the expensive bag.
on my actual birthday. obviously noobshit was the involved. initially, the plan was for my to meet him after church. but he came to my house at 745am in the morning when i was still in my dreamland. somebody nudged me, i opened my eyes and saw a cake full of candles! and there he was grinning from ear to ear behind the flames of the candles. IT WAS SO SWEET. i never expected him to do that kinds of things actually, very nice surprise. but then after that he blundered and told me where we were going, which he was actually planning to surprise me with. anyhow, we went to wild wild wet and escape! it was a little spoiler because alot alot of the rides were closed. but it was still fun because it was with him! he had a good time laughing whenever we sat on the "heart-in-the-mouth" rides and i was screaming my heads out when nobody else around me was screaming at all. viking, was bad. i hate viking. i screamed like mad! and everybody else was like almost silent. and then noobshit was there laughing throughout the whole ride. LAUGHING AT ME. hmpfh. it was really a fun day, i liked it alot alot. and i kept asking him where my present is! and he says don't have, which i believed, but yet didn't want to believe. at night, he messaged me to ask me to look around my room and see if there's anything different. and wala, smart jer spotted something out of the ordinary. and there i received my most awesome present ever in my life (: better than any other material gifts!
dinner with my parents at some high class place was really nice too. combined celebration for my mum and I (:
meeting up with some of my class people had been nice. even though it was in the name of my birthday, but there wasn't much birthday celebratory things involved. hahaha. but it's fine of course, it's really comforting to see that everybody's good and the same!
all right, enough for the day! long post (: but i don't know if anyone still comes here!
okayy off to my favourite tutorial! (:
toods!
let's just keep dancing_____.
i feel so repressed. can't say anything can't express anything, without eliciting a negative response.
just keep quiet. abide obey.
boiling inside. but no, suppress it. it can't reach boiling point..
the start of a communication breakdown.
when i keep quiet.
let's just keep dancing_____.
ballet exam went terribly. i mean i honestly can't believe what luck i have. while all my other balletmates came out of the exam room feeling utterly happy because they feel like they're as good as the rest, or even better, i came out of the room feeling totally shitty about myself.
i went in with 2 horribly horribly good people. initally it wasn't so intimidating. until we went to the center. like oh my word. their legs were a 120 mine was 80. they were so bloody stable i felt like kicking their knees to make them fall -.- like seriously.
and they have such wonderful turn out and pointe. i'm like speechless. seriously, why am i so freaking unlucky!
and my forte. TURNS. omg i've never done so badly for turns in my whole life. i mean normally i can turn, but this time i really couldn't turn like oh my word.
the weirdest thing was free enchainement. i could totally do and remember it. first time in my life. but even so, the examiner still kept smiling at that girl with perfect turn out and pointe. i felt so sad :( but there's nothing i can do about it.
sigh. blame it on my dear luck. i can't get my desired grade anymore. and it's just so so so unfair!
grahhh! demoralizing.
anyway even though it's recess week everything sucks. totally wasted sat sun mon. and then when i wanted to start on tuesday everything's just so lagged behind already! like wth. there's psyc and stats midterms. both i haven't started studying SO DEAD. and there's ps and psyc essay. AND I HAVEN'T START EITHER. and fyi, all due next week you know. oh jolly jolly. clap my hands and shout for joy. i'm such a slacker even though i go back to school everyday in the name of studying. BUT I DO STUDY. why am i so slow omg what have i been doing man? doing all the not urgent things. gosh.
i need to get things done. tmr's the day. i will do my ps and psyc essay. and i will try try try to finish as much as i can.
let's just keep dancing_____.
it's not gonna be recess week at all next week. i can't believe i'm gonna spend all the days, except maybe monday mugging in school. i mean, the jolly of having mugger friends. they do nothing but study. it's incredible, but then again i think i need it.
everything was so screwed up today. i mean travelling down and waiting for nothing was really shit. so much so for putting in the effort to make a difference to explain to apologise. it all came to naught. i spent 3hours of nothingness got home wet and entirely drained. slept through. and woke just for ballet.
so screwed up. i'm gonna regret wasting my time so badly. there's seriously jolly loads of work to do.
ballet's fine. it was my last lesson before the exams. and i really hope so badly that i go in with people who're not zhou-lin-like. please. just let me be this lucky. and i hope i can understand what's going on for free enchainement i am so not prepared for it. oddly, i feel really underprepared for this exam but yet i'm so bored of the syllabus already. i've been stuck here for like 3years. time to get moving!
let me double turn nicely. let me en dedan turn nicely too. i realized that i have never successfully en dedan-ed! it's worth worrying. let me be stable for adage. let me have straight legs. let me be expressive for dance study. and please please please let me know the free enchainement work.
i need to study. there's 2 term essays, 1 project, a million readings, and 5 tests.
HOW TO FINISH. no more xoxo.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i rarely get my fridays free but yet it's not gonna be a blast.
so angsty.
let's just keep dancing_____.
there're flaws in everybody. so they say nobody is perfect.
sometimes i feel that this flaw that's innate in me would just disappear and never come back again. it just hurts me so much time and time again to know that i'm feeling this way and that i shouldn't. it's just so difficult to make it go away!
putting up a false and brave front just isn't me. it all feels so torturous. i find another avenue whenever this happens. and the avenue though, is now gone too.
if i were to be granted 1 wish.
my wish is to have this whole irky feeling go away.
but somehow something's nagging within me that i'll prob stay this way forever.
maybe this is God's way of telling me that i'm not doing down the right direction.
i need an answer.
before i sink deeper and uncontrollably.
let's just keep dancing_____.
there was cycling.
then fever.
then YOG countdown party.
what irony.
i'm feeling abit down now.
MY OG WENT OUT TO HAVE FUN WITHOUT ME ):
let's just keep dancing_____.
haven't been blogging for a million years.
went for oweek.
and just one sentence.
it was awesommee (:
from glam FIC (:
to flagging with joy
to flagging with hip-ness
to getting bullied
to dirty and wet games
to white faces!
it was all superbly coolbeans!
let's just keep dancing_____.
today was an emotional roller coaster.
.
i've finally left my kids that i've been through with for 6months. it was such a heart wrenching moment when they all said goodbye ms ang!
.
i've seen them grow so much. from week1 when i thought that i'm never going to survive this as it was such a challenging job to handle the kids. i was really on the brink of giving up, but i'm so glad i didn't. because i was with them as i watched them grow. i guess through time, feelings really cultivates. the unfamiliar surroundings that i stepped into the first day now feel like total home to me. the classroom, the staff room, the lounge, the canteen, and even the toilet.
.
as i stepped out of school, a wave of melancholy swept past me. all these ends now, there's no more "miss ang" there's no more fighting and screaming there's no more smiles on the kids face that i yearn to see everyday. even though sometimes they do make me so so so angry, but ultimately, i would still miss them so much!
.
and it's so exhilarating how such a relief teacher like myself is also known by students from other classes. like during recess i'll have a whole troupe of boys crowding around my table talking nonsense and asking me the random-est stuffs. and even the kids from the afternoon session knows me! probably from the sports day cheering thing. but it's just nice to know that my love had been able to spread through wide and far. of course, interaction with my horribly naughty class had been the most!
.
i would miss yilong's unbelievable stubborn-ness. nick's nonsense but yet loveliness. kaijing's helpfulness and talkativeness. weihan's toiletness. amirul's funny-ness. wenhong's coolness. maoqing's angry-ness. shanwei's blurness. fadhllulah's sweetness. rifky's noisy-ness. lishan's adorable-ness. siti's mature-ness. faris' quietness. shawn's mischievous-ness.
.
all of these, close to my heart. and you know, i can recognize every single one of their handwriting which is simply just so amazing!! i'll really miss every single one of them so much! i promise i'll go back to visit!
.
.
such wonderful memories. and experience that'll certainly take me through my life! i hope they don't forget me, but time'll definitely fade things away sighhh.
.
and oh ate alot today. gladys and yeemui got me a cake during grace club cca. gladys ordered pizza for our class. and then there was lunch with a few collegues. we went to eat jap food and it was awesome. but i ate sooo much that i felt so bloated after that! and they treat me (: how sweet. i feel bad coz i didn't get anything for them but promise i would when i go back to visit!!
.
.
.
rushed to ballet afterwhich and i did double class. which was awesome! i felt so in the dance mood today! and ms kee was nice to ask me to join the second class. you know, it's so much less stressful to do the advance 1 work with anna sharyn and lulu! it was fun. though we did pointe and i fell. like PIAK on the floor. it was so loud apparently someone went oh my gosh super loudly. and i felt the impact on my knees and my hands. but i'm fine. i'm super hardy man!
let's just keep dancing_____.
i think i might really try out that new cca! it sounds awesomely fun!
i know i prob might regret not joining dance, after all i've been with it for a good six years! but i guess it's good for a change yeah? bro says if he'd the chance to join it he would too. but he says it'll cause me to be extra-ly bodily imbalanced, which is worth giving a second thought actually!
anyhow days hadn't been too good for me of late. but sermon today i guess was really applicable. just hang on a little while longer, He'll be there for me.
and thanks to ass for standing by my side, tolerating my selfishness and anger and many pettyness. wouldn't have been able to do this by myself. and one thing i know for sure would be that no matter how evil i feel, you wouldn't judge me based on that.
let's just keep dancing_____.
today's work was love.
after a very stressful night last night i guess i came up with a really good 2hour lesson today! yayy! was supposed to teach grace club for a whole 2hours and i was really fretting my way through. luckily jing and my bro was there to help me, really appreciative of their help!
played hangman with them to guess what i was going to tteach, sang with christ in the vessel like a million times, taught them story of noah's ark, fold paper boats and watched a noah's ark cartoon. and it was awesommeee!
they seemed like they had fun. i was so high while singing the song. even though there were pretty much high notes in the song that i couldn't reach i think i might've sounded like a chickenn. haha.
well yeemui and gladys were all praises so i was glad (: and jermyn was like ms ang i like you! hahaha, i guess it's nice to receive this once in awhile.
clifford shoved his number to me! then he was like call me, ms ang (in chinese).
then weiwen waited for me at the staircase and he passed me a note and he wrote like a really sweet letter to me!!
and kaijing gave me his phone number told and wrote miss ang call me when you are free!
hahah suddenly i became this major give-me-your-number person. even janell and nur were trying to convince me to give them my number. but it's so weird isn't it, to have my students calling me! hahah i can't imagine.
rushed down to dance. and it was really tiring. danced for 6hours straight and there was a combination of short of breath, hurting heels, blisters, aching arms, bruises on knees and tons of smelliness from perspiration!!! sighh.
but it felt great coz 1)i'm not sitting in front of the tv muching 2)i'm exercising 3)i'm training flexibility and stamina which would be good for ballet exam.
AND OH. ballet exam, horrors of horrors. i missed ballet today ms kee is gonna slaughter me tmr. and talking about tmr it's gonna be such a busy busy day!! but i'm looking forward to it hehh!
made me think alot about several things, pretty much dreadful and i don't know what to expect. i hope and pray it'll all turn out to be fine!
let's just keep dancing_____.
it's been really long since i've last blogged. so many things happened since!
like how work started and i'd to be at work at 7am every morning to take temperature (well that seems like history already) and then i got ill and was made to self quarantine at home for 3 full days. which perpetually killed my guts because i hate staying home when i had a beehivefull of activities to attend. like i missed class gathering big sigh! :(
and then there was psyc camp, which hmm was full of ups and downs. i don't know what to say about it actually. i guess it however did make me reflect more upon my actions as a friend.
erps. dance today was killer. well as i said that it made me feel good dancing again. i'm just so entirely out of shape+stamina. 5 hours of good high-energy dancing's no joke! now i'm full of bruises especially on both knees, and hips, and even arms. and my brain's especially saturated with dance steps that seemed so foreign to me now! i'm so out of touch. but it's good, i really missed the quality of perfoming and dancing in a whole different style (aside from ballet) and it feels awesome!
hmmm i'm feeling much more optimistic now as compared to that really low point of my life (: i need to psycho myself to be more optimistic generally. it's fairly important. if i keep harping on all negatives i think one day i'll just stab myself in the chest and die. but actually i think i won't because i'm afraid of pain. haha -.-
i've lost the art of blogging. i feel like i'm entirely crapping.
let's just keep dancing_____.
three and a half hours ago. my life suddenly felt like there was no meaning to it anymore. be it uni (the thing that's on everybody's lips) or even ballet (personal achievement) didn't felt like anything was worth doing.
i used to be looking forward to uni life. thought of the awesome nights rushing through essays, feeling resolute to work hard no matter how difficult it is. it actually excites me. but suddenly there just wasn't that thrill anymore. yes, i feel like such a failure for usp rejected me. i don't know why i felt so horrible, i bet i've felt worst when i received my As results. but usp wasn't supposed to be that difficult to get in. and yet they didn't want me. i must have some major character fault (they say the interview's all bout getting to know your character) and i guess they didn't like me.
thinking back i'd been so stupid. i actually told them really bimbotic stuffs about myself. the no-nos you should everr do in interviews
1) i should never be high during interviews. i start talking alot (all about myself). and laugh to myself alot. and talk about the most senseless things.
2) i actually told them that i only read love novels (i tell you inside them they must be laughing their ass off this stupid remark i made -.-)
3) i said no actually there's no difference between good leadership and effective leadership. and when they asked me so is hitler a good or effective leader, i said hitler was an effective leader. so ultimately i agreed that there was a difference.
well, come to think back on my interview, i guess they've been right not to choose me. i didn't prove my worth at all. i only proved how brainless i was.
and you know i joined nus with the mindset of taking up usp too. so now i regret, and i think i should've actually went to smu instead. but i know i'm just being stupid, as usual.
so i'm really grateful to stephanie. well, i'm really glad i talked to her. she made me see that there's really other things to look forward to. and she don't just say it without substantiating it. she actually told me exactly what i could do instead. and it really just made me feel brighter.
today was just a screwed day with high expectations, but yet disappointment shrouded over after that. it's always like that. i'm just a person who says one thing but yet feels another. and if you're close to me you should already have known. but while i was bathing, i told myself, if that figure dont appear tonight. i think i'll just entirely lower my expectations, or even have none at all. it's no point getting myself disappointed again and again and feeling like a shit person. waiting for something to happen but not seeing anything happen. i didn't want it to affect me anymore so instead of cooking up a huge fight. i just became nonchalent about it.
GRAH.
let's just keep dancing_____.
monday and tuesday had been awesomee.
.
spent the day watching sytycd5 and fighting with ass. didn't watch dance subaru in the end AGAIN. grahh i must must must watch it and i am going to watch it by hook or by crook i've been hearing much rave comments about it grahh!
.
met exco at teaparty (sacrificed tuition, i actually cancelled it omggg) and yeah had a really great time. battling noises with the other group there. eating spaghetti sooup drink even though i've already had my dinner. suan-ing drea for missing gatherings. psycho-ing shi to not go uk at all, since she'd to come back for our birthdays in oct anyway. seeing zong self proclaim he's hot. reg and her unglam photographs. yt saying that she'd gained weight (not apparent at all -.-) taking lotsa photographs. eating the cheesecake from the box itself. singing happy birthday 4 times to zong reg shi and yt! it was superbb! (:
the non-birthday killers of the cheesecake
and the birthday killers
no rivalry, really (:
tuesday was meeting with 4/6 of fungus coz phy and wei couldn't make it! we went to a sweltering hot hawker center in holland v to eat. prawn mee was normal. but yay ate tao suan and hei nuo mi, did i tell you how much i love tao suan+hei nuo mi+da mai now? i'm forever pestering ass to eat that with me heehee. after that coffee bean to hang around for almost more than an hour. taking the most retarded pictures everrr. laughing at the past (as always cozz our friendship goes way back) trying to sing. sticking straw up the nose. laughing at my horribly short fingernails-like i can control the growth of my nails -.- omg, seriously the most retarded stuffs.
hahah retarded, seriouslyy
mine is the third from the left
let's just keep dancing_____.
i am glad i went out yesterday! because today's another day spent cooping up at home, waking at 12noon, watching tapes, and eating.
but i guess we haven't been out in a really really really long time (well due to unforseen circumstances) and so we totally spammed on food yesterday. had wanted to watch two movies in a row yesterday, but i had to be late, so we missed the first movie timing. could only watch terminator in the end. and boy, i totally wanted to walk out of the theatre in the beginning coz i understood nothing! i didn't know that terminator was a sequel and the storyline was just sooo not-understandable. but after that, i understood and boy the movie is good. i like it (:
and as i said we really spammed on food. curry puff from old chang kee. jap food for lunch. mango ice cream for dessert (it's real good i tell you). nachos during the movie. jap noodles after the movie. and indon food for dinner. and ass said "i think we really haven't been out in a really long time" hahahha hilarious shit. i totally felt like eating everything i saw. my eyes almost popped O.O
crapper that we didn't take any pictures though :(
now i'm just waiting for ballet again. and french tonight.
tomorrow's another day of smartmax and ballet.
ballet's ruling my life. and i'm really worried now. coz ballet exams' gonna be in september and my term would have already started. i really do not wanna miss school! am wondering if i could possible ask ms kee to get a ballet date for me during the weekends, i think that'll be the most perfect! okay and sheesh, i need to stop binging!
let's just keep dancing_____.
oh dear i'm utterly bored. i can't stand even staying at home for what, 2 more hours i can't wait to go for ballet. today's only wednesday. i have another 27 days of this. my word, kill me >.<
today's just a wake up. watch tv. eat eat eat eat. AH. i'm eating so much. i ate a hugeee bowl of macaroni, 2slices of bread with egg, and like 16 caramel biscuits, 2 oranges, a cup of orange juice, and i don't know what else i hope that is it! i'm totally spamming on caramel biscuits, i should not have bought them in the first place.
well at least yesterday i went out, at last.
though it's only for like 2 hours, but i got out of house, at least.
hopefully, hopefully nothing happens tomorrow so i can enjoy myself.
too many negative things happening of late, killing me!
ah, free me from this!
let's just keep dancing_____.
all i would like is to be given another chance to prove my worth.
i know i've failed you once, but don't condemn me based on that.
it's my last and final chance.
it just gets so frustrating how i try to relate my thoughts to you but you shut them out entirely. it's not fair to me at all.
this holiday had entirely not been a holiday for me at all. i've suffered 5months working at a highly challenging place. struggling with keeping myself up for tuition almost every other night. ballet's my choice i do not complain. but i do not want this to happen when i go to uni.
to find myself getting irritable because i'm tired. to find my spirits soaring to rock bottom.
i just wanna focus on my studies! so darn frustrating!
i am bloody irritated right now.
my life's not getting any easier even though there's no work till july (yeah i'm freaking working till like end july, how lame is that) i didn't even get to have a real break, stay at home and waste my life away.
even now though there's no work for a month, but there's still a million and one things to do. and all occuring at odd hours which really makes me feel so pissed. i don't even have time to go out and enjoy myself. terrible, i hate it.
and i just totally screwed up my sunday which could've been so fun and eventful -.-
i am really really really feeling so blue and upset and frustrated now.
let's just keep dancing_____.
spent 30 minutes getting frustrated over being unable to turn.
i bet i tried (and failed) doing pirouettes over 50 times.
ms kee was like "what happened to you today, no discipline with your body at all"
BUT after 30minutes of frustration and numerous attempts, wahahah i got it again!
it was awesome! (:
i feel so satisfied with my determination and perseverance!
ms kee even praised my grande jetes which i'm supposedly the worst in because my legs wont go up. but today, i guess it did well enough. yayy, i feel like there's some progress somewhere.
usp interview today was a total crapp. i know i said the same thing for smu interview but still got in eventually. but argh, this time it was really bad! well, for that particular question anyway. hopefully the other questions would save me. and boy did i talk alot about my own stuffs. i even cut them halfway from saying their question. like a kancheong spider noobshit would say.
i'm horribly annoyed with tuition and i really wanna quit. i want my monday nights so i can go lyrical jazz with nana. ARGH.
let's just keep dancing_____.
yay! i'm driving daddy's car to work tomorrow! it's so exciting, but so nerve wrecking at the same time because i'll be taking the VERY crowded expressway! oh boy, i hope i dont get too many honks coz i wont dare to drive fast at all. i'll probably be road hogging which creates more hazards ultimately -.- booo.
oh man i really wanna free my monday nights from tuition so that i can go lyrical jazz with nana! argh, but stupid me, no courage to ask tutee's mother again. arghhhh. i really hate giving tuition, it does not give me a sense of satisfaction at all, and i really hate teaching kids who dont wanna learn. and they take you for granted, but you still have to smile at them and say it's okay.
bascially, I DO NOT LIKE TO TEACH. i would not like to be a teacher in the future. at least, not academic-based teacher.
lost control of food intake AGAIN. i am so gross.
let's just keep dancing_____.
DANG. auto car is more difficult to manoveur than manual car!!
tried driving daddy's car after ballet today and i must really say, what the hell is wrong with me!
i'm so dead with driving seriously, it's like i scream at every single juncture and junction. i haven't even been out on main road yet i'm only driving around my neighbourhood. i didn't know how to switch on the headlights i didnt even know how to turn on the engine (but after that i realized it's the same -.-) gosh poo.
ballet today was horrendous. before ballet got into that whole kan chiong stricken mood again because i was late! there was a horrible jam at nj there and i rushed into ballet 15minutes late. two and a half hours of ballet is reallyyy no joke. and we did jumps today. everybody practically lost control of our legs by the end of it and were gasping for air desperately. it was exhausting. i can soooo feel my calves, big time.
anyway, i've finally decided on which university to go to already. i'm gonna settle everythinggg tmr, once and for all! yes i would (: it's gonna be alot free-er this week onwards.
oh did i mention? ballet in june's gonna be tuesday wednesday friday saturday sunday. great, big big big big calves and bulging thighs, here jer comes.
let's just keep dancing_____.
this week had been a terribly hectic one.
i was so stressed about my driving test on thursday.
BUT JER PASSED DRIVING TEST! (:
everybody didn't want to believe that i managed to pass my MANUAL driving on the first try. honestly i myself couldn't believe, but fact is i did. i knew my road was good, it's just that my circuit is bad, that's why i had such low confidence.
honestly i dont think i know how to drive auto car, i've never driven one before. and how the hell am i supposed to park without poles. tmr night, daddy promised to be my personal instructor. cant wait to be an independent driver! it'll be convenient!
and finally, ass' birthday is over.
after weeks of planning, stressing, fretting, it's yes over.
the surprise wasn't too much of a surprise (as usual) something always spoils.
although i had the ingenious idea of using headphone + blindfold...
and hmmm noobshit if you're reading this, hope you've enjoyed yourself today.
one and only eh, no more for next time already!
let's just keep dancing_____.
returned to school today.
got a thousand comments.
a million stares.
and a zillion teases.
"MISS ANG. YOU CUT HAIR?"
"MISS ANG. WHY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!"
"MISS ANG. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR!"
"MISS ANG. WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR HAIR!"
isn't it obvious that i cut it? hhaha but sometimes i do that too. when people cut their hair, i ask "aye, you cut your hair ah..." but when people ask me that same question when i cut my hair, i will have that -.- duh feeling, isn't that obvious. haha, ironic shit.
oh dear me i've really got a fetish for cutting hair. i love that whole feeling of chopping my hair! it's so exhilarating!
but to this hairstyle, which isn't relatively new, there had been many differing comments. but i guess what boils down to it is that i like it. coz i look young! (: some people say, too young. hahah, i guess that's fine with me. i like looking young. coz ass' such a small boy. he's only 10years old.
and oh, did i just mention how much freaking wobbly things i've put on now around my arms legs and grahhh stomach? it is so terribly gross. especially my stomach. i used to have abs! and now it's a slab of fats. my arms had always been my proudest asset and now it's expading so grossly. my legs had always been huge, so no comments. but ooh my gosh. i tell myself for the hundred millionth time. i need to eat less and exercise. EAT LESS AND EXERCISE. but what the, i never ever do it! i cut my lunch into half and i eat one and a half for dinner. poo-ey.
ballet's been tough. the younger kids now are good. they've got really nice feet and legs. and bloody all so skinny and tall. i think i've like the biggest thigh in the class now. gross. it's very much alot of added pressure. i need to keep my shape otherwise i'll totally not be ready for exams. did i mention how much my butt sticks out nowadays? ms kee had been trying to correct that but it's becoming such a bad habit already. my word. i need to work hard. i wanna ace my first majors.
i need the discipline to be on a diet. i need to lose at least f-i-v-e kilograms worth of lard. how bout starting from tomorrow. CAN I CAN I?
let's just keep dancing_____.
after a veryveryvery boring week. because stupid ass' not able to go out due to his eyes. and in turn implicated me to not being able to go out, and morphed me into a bookworm, literally.
school had been terrible. it's soooo tough to discipline the kids i'm really getting so drained. sometimes i really wonder whether i shouldn't be too kind to them. scolding them and being really unfriendly to them every minute, would that work or backfire. right now i'm like their friend, they take it for granted they don't respect. they told me to shut up and i gasped. i think i'm really not cut out for this. but then again, who cares whether they like me or not, isnt it? i'll be leaving soon enough anyway. which brings me to the next point, when? principal weirdly still wants me, which is pretty much flattering. but. do i? now's the only break before uni starts!
and thank god, uni wants me (: as much as i want them. i was beginning to panic for a moment.
driving's horrid. i have only 5 lessons left leading up to my driving test. instructor says i'll fail if i drove the standard i did the last lesson. and i caused a double L-plate car to fail. i feel soooo horrible. i'm so sorry i really dont mean it grah. i cant hold the stupid steering properly it doesnt listen.
okay so. thursday night was staff appreciation dinner at marina barrage. it was pretty cool. my table was fun and i laughed quite abit. but i'm just so grateful wei wei's there to accompany me if not it'll be so weird. the food was pretty great. it was awesome hearing stories from people with much more experience than i have.
fridee was pretty awesome too. koh brought me out for lunch. it was hilarious. he brought me to this really beautiful place along alexandra road. had to cross this bridge leading up to some thai-like setting. i was so impressed, it looked so ethnic, out of singapore! but when we went to the restaurant, it was actually closed! ahaha, hilarious shit. so we went to ikea and ate yummy meatballs and this reallyyy awesome daim cake. it's superb.
met ass for "taken" and i thought the show was exciting! i couldnt help gripping on to his hand soooo tightly he was like "aye you grab until very tight leh" hahaha bleh. had a little rocky road with him after that. but all's fine now. and it would continue to be fine, for a long time. it's been great having someone to share with the deepest of secrets. complaining about fats and ugliness, knowing that he wouldn't feel that way of me. drooling while eating due to painful ulcers thus unable to control flow of saliva, being laughed with when that happens and not being laughed at. not feeling embarrassed in normal situations of embarrassment. being the most spastic shit ever. being loved. it'd been awesome.
and anyway we were saying. if he'd smaller nose he'll look like me. that's insulting me (ahem) and would make him look so gay. oh great. anyhow it's a lose-lose situation.
let's just keep dancing_____.
omg. i'm crazy overr books now.
i want to go to the library everyday to be the first to snatch the books that're being returned.
as i mentioned i do not like to buy books coz i only like to read books once, and i'll most probbly not touch them again. but library poses another inconvenience because sooo many people are fighting for the same kind of books!
i'm crazy/ i wanna read all the NICHOLAS SPARKS books! i've only managed to read dear john and the wedding and i'm reading nights in the rodanthe now. and i still have the SHOPOHOLIC sister and wedding book that i have yet to be able to get my hands on! ANY KIND SOULS TO LEND ME! grahhh i can't wait to read them all.
this satisfaction is even better than shopping now.
let's just keep dancing_____.
so tired of work.
can't wait to take a break from these all.
and i think, i will stop work in may so i can enjoy the last 2months before school starts.
on the other hand. no notices from uni at all. i think, i'll end up uni-less.
oh poo. worrying me.
let's just keep dancing_____.
life's been so . . . school. get mad at my kids for the perpetual fighting and screaming. swooning over nick's loveliness HE IS SO CUTE (: teasing shanwei and getting teased back too. asking kaijing to throw my rubbish for me, such a helpful boy. i can't believe how impossibly male-orientated this class is. and being reminded that i'm only 4years older than them! it's insane. but there's really nothing much going on in school, other than the fact that i can't wait for my aikido lessons where i'll get to kick some asses. wahahhaah exciting. and the appreciation dinner, though wei and i wonn't get to dress up in fancy dresses and what not.
that's why i never update this blog. because everything seems so mundane once again. i've been reading alot though. i perpetually have books piling up on my table! and i'm just weird i haven't even finished reading 3 books but yet i went to borrow more books. ah! book disease! and yes i borrow them coz i do not like to own books as much as i like to read them!
okay so anyway the fun part was the long awaited exco once-a-month gathering!
i pangsehed them the previous time so i couldn't pangseh them to again! i actually pon-ed ballet. that's like history, i never ever pon ballet! gosh but i did anyway but luckily i told mskee so i didn't feel so guilty hahh.
bbq at panse house was just tremendous fun. we took 1whole hour to get the fire started. panse's fire was going well. zong killed it. and he decided to use the boy scouts way (twigs) to start a new fire, and it actually worked. after 1hour, that is. the place was burning. half the time we were complaining about the heat and how this is a bad idea for an exco gathering coz what we really wanted was to sit and talk. but i think the whole process was hilarious and really really fun. the company's great. can't wait for the next one. BUT PLS NOT WEEKENDS NIGHT!
anyway spastic-ness of it all
well you see we were reallyyy highh. and i think we made alott of noise. i was glad there were no complaints from the neighbours coz the music was really loud. and our shouts and screams. and the occassional out-of-tune singing! hahah. it was awesome.
let's just keep dancing_____.
life's gotta be better than this!
life's so boring. koh messaged me and ask so, what's your latest endeavour? (and btw, i haven't talked to him ever since he entered sispec) that sms came as such a sweet surprise.
and i had nothing to answer him. all i could really think of was my stupid smu interview.
which was seriously the lamest thing everrr on earth. and how much i screwed it up. and how crappy it went. and how, smu's not gonna accept me, ever. honestly i'm sure i've never been through such a bad interview ever.
1) i was overdressed
2) before i could even sit they shot questions
3) they seem to be in such a hurry, so i kan-chionged and tried to speak really quickly, getting even more tongue tied
4) i think they were really bored with me (yawns plus constant checks on watches)
5) they said "oh alright, let's try something different" and ask me a super duper what the hell i won't expect this from an interview question. which was seriously, the killer of it. i've never felt so dumbfounded in my life.
however, the guys at the registration area were really nice. they kept asking me if i would like sweets. and when i came out they were like oh so how was it. and i complained, a little. and told him how i could not answer! and they were like so nice about and was all 'it's just fine man. just take it.' and they've got really cool accent though they're from singapore.
on a side note, lumos last friday was a hilarious knock out. we left during the interval. a chorus of "we wanna leave" and there the whole troupe of us stood up and walked out. and guess what? we sat at the pavement beside the open field talking, gazing at stars, laughing and observing random moments of silence. cool beans enough.
can't wait wait wait wait for fridaeee to come! my dearest fungus, it's our day again! and FULL ATTENDANCE. jer is soooo excited. oh yes, it's fungus+fungi.
i can't wait to stop working. i'm so tired! and the kids are getting out of hand. the appreciation dinner is holding me back >.<
let's just keep dancing_____.
it'll always be a happy ending, wouldn't it?
let's just keep dancing_____.
i'm so sick and tired of this already. the repeated disappointments that seem to always be haunting. the sunken heart which could never feel alive again. the irritation that makes me just wanna scream and shout my hearts out. pain pain pain.
i'm so exhausted with putting up a facade. knowing that inside me i don't feel comfortable about it but yet saying another thing.
it has came to a point that i do not in the littlest bit feel like conversing with you. it is the first time ever i wished we'll just never communicate again.
i wasted, practically wasted my whole afternoon. after all that stupidity.
the time wasted to do my essay. the hard feelings. all these made me not wanna apply for usp anymore. i feel so dumb. i'm actually giving up education opportunity because of somebody. and come what may, when i look back, if i really do not get usp in the end, i think i can only blame myself for being so emotional.
everything's taking a toll on me. the monotony and definitely the constant disappointment. i need someone who takes the initiative on the most mundane details. is that even so tough to achieve. i guess i'm just not suited to have what i have now. it'll make both parties equally torturous.
finally indulged myself in my drama serial the moment i came back. to think i can still laugh and be so at ease when watching thus, yet see my own life screw up before my eyes. work's getting increasingly horrible. and my uni apps are just gross. i hope i get into some kind of painless accident now. i'm kidding. i'm just saying it to make myself feel two times stupider.
but you know what? i'd rather make myself feel stupid, than let someone make me feel stupid.
let's just keep dancing_____.
hahha talking about having no life in my previous post is such a contradiction now.
it all started with watching my wonderful wonderful absolutely awesome drama serial. it made me a veryyy happy person :D seriously. i think the soppy love stories that are often portrayed in the serials are really pretty unreachable. however, they just allow me and my very wild imagination to enter into this whole new dimension. bringing me into the story. hence making my life so horribly exciting. it's perfect (: yes although watching all these pretty much unrealistic shows do make me have high expectations of what not, which annoys the crap out of si xian, but ahh heck this is just what i need to a initially boring life.
but guess what, life's been happening.
it all started with hanging out at marina barrage. wearing heels and skirt which was totally dumb, occasion was not right at all. so much so for teaching my kids: dressing appropriately for different occasions. it'll be so shameful to tell them that ms ang dressed wrongly too. complaining about blisters and the hours wait for cab/bus. acting like a total spoilt baby about the mozzies. i feel so bad for acting like this. but the mozzies really killed me.
and then there was the awesome sentosa trip with my little cousins. i so entirely felt like a mother hen, protecting her little chicks. haha. the hotel room we stayed at was magnificent, absolutely high class. we walked to the beach. and went to play the skyride. wanted to play the luge but grah there wasn't enough time. and song of the sea was perfecto :O
i do look as cute and young as them right!
my hair's so cool here. though xiao bing blocked my face -.-
majestic view from skyride
my stayover with my lovely fungus was awesome beyond description. no point even bothering to explain. this magical love could only be felt between the 6 of us.
of all unglamness. the specs. the pimple cream. the brushing teeth. the weighing machine that's being taken out every few minutes. the sleep. the shrieks. the laughter. the love <3
let's just keep dancing_____.
such a crapper.
jer's in that life's so grossly boring mood once again.
everything's so mundane.
waking up. brushing teeth. using laptop. watching sytycd. checking mail. going for driving. get scolded during driving. take bus home. do lesson plan. eat. watch more sytycd. take bus. meet clarence yen. shop for his gf's present. eat burger king's not nice fries am still craving for mac's fries. take bus home. meet sixian in his look-so-mismatched uniform (compare to his kiddy face). ate the btm. laughed at his active sweat glands. walked home. watched tv. bathed. use laptop.
this is so gross. i need a change. i need something different. i hate this life now. there's nothing to look forward to. it's like everything's so monotonous. GRAH I HATE IT.
perhaps i'm just tired, emotions going downhill.
some excitement could do really good in my life.
AND I NEED TO TAKE PICTURES.
let's just keep dancing_____.
this is the second/third time it's happening and I AM REALLY ANGRY. it's really irresponsible of them to time and time again disappear without even having the courtesy to inform me. i could've planned many things to do tonight. and they totally spoilt it. so i'm peeved. at their acts of irresponsibility and taking me for granted.
and if it happens again, i'm gonna ask them to pay me as it is. because they wasted my time. and time = money. and they don't understand that my life is now solely dependant on tuition money now. so no tuition = no income. and my mama kept laughing at my piss-ness because i made it sound like i'm a beggar and i have no money at all.
optimism. i watched tv, since a long long time. and i watched campus superstar. and i think it's not very nice. the first and only season i watched was nicer. it's like the whole programme is so devoid of emotions. it's seems like just a facade.
anyway was just looking through my pictures. and i think this is a really funny picture. look at all the spastic-ness involvedin this photo. it's just so WD. and these are truly the people who saw me through my 2 torturous and gruesome years in nj.
ahaha, i kinda love that spastic look on my face (: it shows true happiness.
and i'm really sorry clarence yen for pangseh-ing you tomorrow. i know you were entirely bad-mooding me just now but please do not take it to heart, good friend. you're probably just having a bad day today. hopefully tomorrow would be a better day. i really really hope you'll feel better so i won't feel so bad about ps-ing you. you know i feel bad ): really sorry.
sometimes i wonder why am i so contradictory. is that how every human is?
let's just keep dancing_____.
i have no idea what is upsetting me. or what upsetted me in the first place. probably the ego, or perhaps just the face. i guess that's what humans are like, we never like to be known as someone weaker than who we know we are. and the tendency is always to view that one is stronger.
life doesn't really go in accordance to what we want it to be. it's fruitless to command the sky to turn brown, or the sea to become grey. and that is what we need to come to terms with. harping on changing facts would not be possible. it's gonna be where we set off from thus far.
learn to let go, grasp to what's gonna come next. ms kee used this analogy for dance. i guess she was hinting it to apply it to life too (: that's the beauty of a teacher. you don't just teach what you specialize it. you teach your kids to become a better person as a whole.
something i know i probably would never be able to accomplish. i never saw myself as one who is that inspirational and motivational. i don't think i'll really be able to tough the lives of any. i'm not up to that yet.
and in life, there's many push and pull factors. some minor. some major. this is when life teaches you to decide wisely, and not regret on your choice. of coz, i shouldn't let such minor things affect my decision, it is really not worth it.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i'm really glad there's going to be no work the whole of next week. there's a million and one things to be completed though i've already done at least half of it and there's only a bits and pieces left which i would finish on monday!
that'll mean it's new moon and eclipse for tuesday wednesday thursday friday! (: jer likes that! yes thank you yen for lending me the book (though you were forced to buy it to lend me, but trust me, read it, YOU WILL LOVE IT)
and omg the driving's so screwed. my instructor is so busy (and yes so am i) it's so difficult to find a date for driving. and the stupidest thing is that i had already booked my practical test. it is coming like really soon. so i need to drive everyday! omg.
and guess what. jer who hates the sun is CHAO TA. like honestly my face is red from the sun because i freakingly stood under the hot hot hot hot hot hot sun for more than 2hours! yes stupid me did not put sunblock (fyi i hate putting sunblock) and i really regret it. the sun's just the bane of my life. i'm gonna stay indoors for the next 365 days till i become fairer again, which actually isn't too possible coz i'm not fair to begin with.
i'm just really sick and tired with all the stupid applications coz they are draining my life out of it. why can't everything be just as simply as how O's was. just can't wait to get over and done with. i'll just accept anything that accepts me. and since my mum has already helped me make a decision over what i should not do, i guess that only leaves me with one choice left.
i really miss nick honestly. i realize i've been acting like nick alot very frequently and i have been imitating him so much. i hope nick misses me as much, though i don't think he would. si xian, don't be jealous that i miss nick and not you leh.
the whole "leh" thing that i always use after each sentence, is influenced by my dearest nick too. oh dear, i think i'm spending far too much time with them. and i'm getting very influenced! oh dear.
miss ang, i'm very excited LEH. there.
let's just keep dancing_____.
jer is wrenched out from near depression.
really gotta thank these few people, who had helped me in one way or another though you may not know it, it made a difference in my life(:
phy, jing, koh, clarence, mskee, wanling(for that entirely silent short bus ride home), ass.
i wouldn't be able to be typing this if not for you guys seriously.
and of coz, my family, who'd really stood by me time and time again. that disappointment that they must've had in me was immense, but yet they had to suppress it, because they knew how much it'd hurt me even more. i feel sooo horrible for having disappointed their high expectations of me. maybe that high expectations was not so much from my parents, but so evident from my bro and i just feel so stupid relatively.
to those whom i ignored, i'm so sorry but jer was not in right state of mind to reply you. so if you wanna, text me again i will reply you this time. thanks for your concern though.
well guess this is a blessing in disguise though. through much encouragement and courage on my part. i'm standing on my two feet again, strong and optimistic! (: at least i've got a direction. an aim. a goal in life. no more wandering souls and drifting spirits! and with a direction in life, it makes life much easier. working towards that particular something, it's so meaningful.
perhaps this is it. what i got was what i was supposed to get. i believe that for whatever reason that is, god has a plan for me. and that indeed i was supposed to go into this sector. to touch the lives of these people. this is my calling. i will answer to it. right now that i'm pretty sure what i wanna do with my future. i am just praying so hard for the way to get to it. please, i really want that. i've got nothing against that way of education, just that something new would be pretty refreshing isn't it.
on another note. march holidays are here! well for my school at least. that means no work (which sadly translates to no income for 11days) and i'm glad coz i'm drained and exhausted and tired and i need some personal time for myself.
i apologize for perpetually speaking in a third person's point of view. i've been doing that with nick alot lately. because kids like him don't understand when i use you. so i have to say "ms ang doesn't like it when nick screams in class" it's no longer "i don't like it when you scream in class" and i end up using alot of ms ang here and ms ang there. it feels like ms ang and me are two different people.
on yet another note. if i were to stop work in april, i think i'll be quite sad. i'm emotionally attached to my kids already. well, some of them at least. like how kj always takes my things for me and asks me math problems. mq shouting and laughing out so loudly in class. yl's slowness and how he really listens to me when i talk to him nicely. fad's obedience. sw's quietness. and nick who always go very very near my face and say "ms ang, i love you! muack muack muack muacks" (he really tries to kiss!)
of coz there're things i would not miss. but, i'll only remember the good things (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
if i am this stupid, would you still wanna be friends with me?
let's just keep dancing_____.
oh random
1) it's gonna be a lonely sunday
2) though i can't meet my classies on saturday, i get to meet my exco!
3) it's cool that my name appeared on the "form teacher" dip (but they'll prob change it soon)
4) i've yet to contact rainbow center like how i said i would i realized that time is running out i've only 2 days left omggg
5) it's coming in 6days
6) my life is gonna end on the 6th day
7) i can't wait for him to come back
8) i can wait for the 6th day to come
9) i need to buy sunblock for camp because it's gonna be so bloody hot i'm regretting that i signed up i'd rather help in admin and not be the facilitator coz it's 239237 hours under the sun. and bleh this is horrible. i don't even know what i'm supposed to do.
10) can someone kind please remind to call rainbow center soon. but! monday and tuesday i can't! grah, what should i do? time is running out. i hope there's 13 more days. please please let it be. my heart can't take it.
let's just keep dancing_____.
(omg i feel really fat again) as how i was complaining to theng the whole of this morning about what happened last night grahh i really really really hate that feeling! it's the arms and the freaking tummy. and i haven't exercised for the whole week because i've been soooo terribly lazy and i'm been eating (SERIOUSLY) alot. omggg. the whole self esteemed problem again.
it's been a week that theng joined me for work. from next week onwards, i'll not be so busy anymore, or so i hope. daddy has been telling me that i should get full pay considering how much effort and work i need to put in for this. but honestly, second thoughts, i dn't really do much. like i'm always leaving so early hahaha. i think i'm really starting to get a hang of it, honestly if i was made to do it on my own i think i can handle it. scolding and disciplining's no problem for me now.
and from what theng said, my name's pretty good to use. haha, which is surprising. "miss ang is coming back soon" and everybody scrambles to their seat. hahaha, am i such a terror. but i think it's good in the sense that they really need to learn. i think at the end of the day, i've really learnt plenty. gained much much experience!
i'll miss working with theng. though it's only been one week. but she's really brought much joy and laughter to the working table. and i don't seem to lose my patience that easily when she's around. the joy that friends bring (: and there's nice company for lunch! ahaha, many things. that'll resume back to normal next week. sad lunches. lonely work station. everything ): but i believe she'll have gained plenty too!
i've become such a shopoholic, someone's wishing i hated shopping like how i did 6months ago.
let's just keep dancing_____.
WARNING: THIS MAY CAUSE YOU TO LOSE YOUR APPETITE AND SLEEP
seriously, i'm terribly sorry for being a major spoiler cum party pooper. But seriously, this is really eating me as the day inches forward. to all those who'd been through it with me, i'm sure you'll understand what i'm saying without me spelling out explicitly. but seriously, ever since that rumour, i've been thinking about "what-ifs" every other second. reconsidering my SEEDS, i'm horribly horribly terribly afraid.
everything seems so surreal now. how your life moves on depends on that very moment you walk up to get that stupid sheet of laminated paper. a piece of paper is going to dictate your life. sometimes i wonder what life is about, letting a tree with ink decide your fate.
been sharing major thoughts with phy. and she input a really cool idea about going overseas to study and if that really could come true (which seems widely impossible for now) it'll be really fun. but honestly i've never really thought of going overseas to study because of my parents. and so i've just always wanted to be able to enter nus and study something i wanna pursue in the future. but up to now i still don't know exactly what i should be looking out for.
this is really infuriating. i hope brother is in singapore at this period. because i really need as much help as i can get to sort out that major tangle in my mind right now.
let's just keep dancing_____.
social night (:
20/2/09
many thanks to phy who helped me make up and all (: love ya dear.
the whole atmosphere was pretty sian coz the table was filled with guys and only 2girls. so the guys were really sian.
oh well. i didn't take much pictures, which didn't quite make the night too memorable.
well, after all, it wasn't exactly my night, haha.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i know i'm saying this on impulse, but i feel like finding a new job.
let's just keep dancing_____.
just got back from my second driving lesson and already i feel like a pro. today i drove on the main road, despite much disagreements from me (because i was scared) but my instructor was like just go la don't say so much. it was pretty daunting. the thought that other impatient car drivers'll horn at me and all. plus the fact that i was only driving at gear 2 which was like at 30km/h. hahaha.
and when i actually drove back to the driving center. i exclaimed "WAH I DROVE BACK EH" my instructor laughed at me and teased me saying i'm haolian. haha he always makes fun of me which is very annoying but i guess it makes lessons more interesting. he's very nice and patient too.
and he says normally need about 15 lessons before one should be driving on the main roads! so i don't know why he actually allowed me to drive on the main road. there were a million traffic lights and i took so long to get my biting point, that when the light turned green, i desperately tried to get my biting point, the light turned red again. it was hilarious. but i guess i'm getting the hang of it. steering the car is seriously like playing daytona. it's only the clutch nonsense that is killing me. but i love changing geer on uphill slopes hee (:
work had been grah-ish for me. starting to get really tired of everything. and it doesn't help at all that next week i'll be all by myself. it's really tough, because the they're getting rowdier and nosier and disrespectful by the day. i can't handle it by myself.
i'm really praying. praying so hard. i need the patience. i need the perseverance.
i can't wait for dance tomorrow.
let's just keep dancing_____.
came to a sudden acknowledgement that, my bags are all white. seem to have this attraction to white bags! hahaa. my 4 and only tote bags are all white in colour! well actually i always knew this, just that donnie made me acknowledge it. i refuse to admit i have a fetish for white and only white bags. so to counter that, i digged my cupboard and i found 3 sling bags i used to carry in secondary school. they're black pink and green. i feel more colourful. and also i found my jeans material bagpack.
.
i like to carry my bagpack and sling bag to make myself feel younger. having to wear black pants to work really makes me feel VERY old. need to indulge in self denial about my age by acting young. and that disturbs ass, quite a bit. haha, but i don't care. he looks way younger than i do can grahh.
.
pre-vday celebrations with the coolbeanbeanies fungus. going back to where we all started off was awesome. having to meet our favourite man. watching the marathon. eating caifan on the floor. haha, wonderful memories again. though it was really humid and hot, it was just great hanging out with them. i can never get tired of these people. such joy and laughter.
.
though the rest had other committments later in the night. wei jing and i carried on with our initial plan of heading down to marina barrage. and boy did i not regret going there. the place is beautiful (: splendidly magnificient. perhaps it's just my love for water, the dams were really gorgeous and i really like that place. hopefully there's one day ass and i can head down there too!
.
and then 2 foreigners approached us and graduated from asking us a debate question "do you think guys/girls lie more" to "where is the mrt station" to "do you think you can bring us there" to "how about supper" to "could we meet up some time soon". haha, it was really nice chatting to them though. they seemed genuinely interested to sharing our interests and all. and also, it was really comfortable talking to them, not awkward or anything. and they have a really nice accent that i like! but nah the most we did was to bring them to the mrt station. pity they found the wrong girls, we're too guai for things like that (: haha. but it was really an experience of meeting them. and you know when they went to the toilet, it was hilarious coz wei jing and i stood outside the toilet plotting to run away.
.
the problem is because getting to the mrt station involves walking pretty dark and deserted areas which we weren't really comfortable with. but in the end, we got lost and ended up walking along the main road instead. certainly, the 2 guys didn't mean harm so nothing happened at all. aiyah, we're such helpful girls, really (:
.
vday was awesome. i didn't know what was the plan i certainly didn't know what was going to happen. i was only given 2 clues. 1) wear shorts 2) bring sunglasses + sunblock and immediate inference = GOT SUN. which sucked.
.
that morning itself i was told to go to cck interchange and immediate inference = omg, we're going for a cemetry expedition. which hey, wasn't fun at all considering it was vday!
.
i expected the worst but phew it wasn't a cemetry expedition. he brought me to the zoo, the place we had long wanted to go eons ago. and night safari. of coz i was expecting something out-of-the world romantic. but hah, i'm in singapore so i shouldn't think too much.
.
it was a really nice day out. i got to see ass' many many friends. said hello to them. and urged ass to just stay with them since they clicked so well heehee. we took like a million and one pictures! night safari was really beautiful by the way. we promised that when he's back from aussie again we'll go to night safari once more to walk the trail, coz we took the tram. ass was so lazy tsk tsk.
.
yupp. it's telepathic too how we ended up giving each other almost similar presents. and the many spastic moments during the day. and i'm really excited to buy shirts (: grahh. cheap thrill haha.
so horribly cute my gosh
let's just keep dancing_____.
weekdays always seem to pass so slowly. it's only tuesday, can you believe it? it feels like eternity already.
temper's becoming increasingly short. it's not that i'm not patient to begin with. already, i think my level of patience is not too bad. but this is seriously pushing past through the boundaries. if this was something permanent, i think i'll go mad. i've only been working for over a month, but it feels like i've been working my whole life.
this certainly tells me something. this would not be what i'll venture into. in the future, i'll look forward to going to work everyday. not like now. coz this is not what i wanna do. i wanna do something that makes me thrilled in anticipation. now's just dread.
yes i may really have learnt plenty from it. but i guess, this is just not the calling.
on another note, i've finally started moving again and i'm determined to shed 3kg. thinking back, it's just so amusing to see how i used to smirk in disgust at people trying to lose weight. thinking that they are just letting vanity get the better of them. how insensitive and immature i was in thinking that, and the only reason for that would be because i did not gain weight no matter how much i ate. huh, fall of the arrogant. my greediness for food has caused me not to take my body for granted. i've been putting on lotsa weight. it's not the vanity to stay slim and all. it's really much more than that. it's watching a healthy diet and also exercising to keep fit.
i used to gorge on fastfood, chocolates and what nots. not exercise until i have ballet. but this would not go on. taking things for granted, caused me to regret i built up a paunch that i seem not be able to rid off anymore. which is so gross. currently i'm just trying to exercise everyday and watch my diet. can't stop me from snacking, it's second nature, but at least i'm trying to cut down on unhealthy food intake.
and would i say that ass is in this with me. coz he's a freaking health conscious guy now (as juxtaposed to last time where we ate kfc all the time) now we don't even go for fastfood! ahaha, and he goes on about no sugar drinks, blah blah. hahha, see, health freak. besides, he's sooo horribly skinny and stick-like. i'd better watch my size lest i balloon ten times the size of him.
another reason for jer-starting-to-move-again is that being a little bigger than what i would like to be is a low self-esteem-er. especially when i dance. i get so affected whenever i see that paunch in the mirror at ballet. what's not helping is that people around me have nice flat stomach, the one i lost.
grah. i'm determind. to shed weight. and paunch. but what does not help is that, my weight loss comes from my arm area, which isn't helping because that's not the whole point. and running everyday'll increase the size of my lower body which makes things worst. so eventually, i hope it wouldn't be a lose-lose situation.
one thing i do know however, is that jer would not become anorexic because i would not stop eating (i love food too much) it's just healthy living. you know.
okay this is gross. i sound like a uber weight conscious freak. it's grossing me out.
another note. i hate driving. it stresses me. and shortens my already half-shortened life by another two folds.
let's just keep dancing_____.
today was awesome!!
call me no-life, but i've really never laughed that hard for a really long time.
every little thing was worth remembering.
popiah's cry. and how much she liked me (:
theng's bread.
theng dropping the whole container of biscuit, and thus having to sweep the whole floor.
the climax of the day - the squeeze squeeze adventure
reminiscing on good old days and how long we've all been together (like since forever)
talking and talking and talking about every little thing
planning on pre-vday, our next slumber party. and what not.
and basically being able to share the deepest of my deepest secrets about the tiny little woes of the world. able to know that they understand me. no matter how petty and how uncool i was, they'll accept me for who i am. having the common understanding that this friendship would never fade. i really love the coolbeanbeanies fungus.
my awesome-est day.
let's just keep dancing_____.
ultimate randomness (:
pictures from yesterday with reg's pok pok camera.
my stunning view from the back in the high class loo. HAHAHHA.
the ultrasome spasticness. before and after, it was hilarious i tell you. especially when i was so happily posing ignorant of my surroundings and then the sudden realization there were many outsiders around. entirely unglam.
and, the exco love (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
was really feeling pretty much disheartened in the afternoon. on how life sucks. and how things just do not go how we want it to be.
but it's true that letting pessimism get the better out of you would not make you feel any better. by harping on things that are in fact unchangable, would not change anything. so why make yourself feel worst when you could just be more optimistic and thus be happy! if certain people just do not like it the way i am, i can't force them at gunpoint to make them like me. by putting up a forced front would make me unhappy as well. forced love's never encouraged. besides, i'm certain there're people who appreciates how i am now (: and i know exactly who they are.
exco meet up today really brought my pessimism to a close and brought out the entire cheerfulness that i seemed to have lost through the stress at work and the afternoon's displeasure. it's like even when i told shi about the whole upsetting issue, i actually managed to laugh it off and joke about it. and there was just so much fun. shopping for presents, ending up looking at our own shoes. setting time to trick drea, acting like we hadn't met up previously when actually we did. the dinner. the random-ness. the majoy camwhoring. the walk to war memorial. the birthday songs to andrea. the seaweed me+drea's birthday wish to see me in the water to be a real seaweed. the horrible embarrassment posing in front of the tree not knowing so many people were staring at me and my so called buddies didn't even TELL me there were so many onlookers! like giving free show leh. and seriously i was so spastic man. and yes, it's just tons of laughter+spasticness+bimboness+blurness.
and omg. this was the most hilarious. we were trying to look for directions to the mrt station. and i was so sure i knew it was to my right. so reg asked "okay, where's the mrt station" everybody pointed to my left and i was the only one pointing to the right. it was seriously hilarious. i don't know how to explain it, but i guess it was the common consensus that ran through everybody's head that dang jer's really a road idiot (and even i thought so) that made everyone burst out into laughter.
well it was really romantic just sitting in a circle as a girlpower exco, because the guys were in ns, at the war memorial and just talking about the most random thing. and it's so sweet of them to suggest meeting up once every month! (: even though it would probably mean missing a ballet lesson, which could be compromised once in a long long long time. i kinda thought there wouldn't be ballet on that day we were meeting. but i was wrong. i did have ballet, but because it was the next term, so i didn't write it down. hopefully ballet timings change though, then i can go for ballet+meet them! but if i really can't, one would have to be sacrificed. at least just for once. probably wouldn't sacrifice again actually so hopefully, ballet timings change to like early afternoons. that'll be great (: but oh well. i can only cross my fingers now! X)
p.s. - princesses! i'm looking for a nice nice picture of us to put in the new wallet. if anyone finds any, PLEASE send it to me. or all the better, print it out for everyone so each of us has a copy. and you know what. there's no excuse to not put the picture since everyone has the same wallet whaahha EXCITING (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
the past few days had been eventful. no doubt a long break for chinese new year. however, i wonder how many people do feel the same as me, that this year's cny is quite a sucky one. and entirely no chinese new year feel.
hmmmm...
even so. i had a good weekend!!!
firstly my meet up with my wonderful wonderful friends. it'd been long since we did. aand despite that long gap that we didn't manage to meet up, i'm glad time has not came in between us! that's what good friends are for, we'll never run out of conversations. and you know, i know this group of friends of mine would last me till i'm old, teeth yellow, hunchedback, and we'll still be sitting around cafe cartel, nibbing on free flow of bread and talking like old aunties or even ah ma. haha, yes i'm sure we would!
spent the night harping on our chu twelve. reminiscing on good old times. our plans for the future. the gloomy economy -.- our current work status. blah. and blah. the list goes on. just have so much fun around them all. and oh, guzzling over the pretty purse that mary bought for each and every one of us (i seriously love it so much) and how telepathic phy and i were as we both bought earrings for the rest (: it was love!
anyhow. chinese new year sucked for me. considering how i fell ill on tuesday and was bed ridden for the whole day. to that person whom i pang-seh-ed on tuesday, i'm so sorry, blame my illness grahh. i felt sad too.
let's just keep dancing_____.
tuition's really killing me.
after such a long day at work, i swear it's the last thing i'd wanna do.
i've got such a bad feeling the 6months of work'll be so dreadful.
coz things are simply getting from bad to worst day by day.
you'll think that they are just slow and all.
but no, not at all, they're so cheeky and mischievous you just can't wait to punch them in the face.
dang. my patience is seriously running out.
it'll be at the peak soon.
getting so short nowadays.
like how i shouted at someone today.
and got really really angry.
and i guess i showed it which shouldn't be the case, coz they'll take advantage of that the next time.
crap la, this cannot that cannot. i'm going nuts.
why can't they just be angels.
then again if they were, i won't be doing this anymore.
what have i gotten myself into for 6months.
grah.
and dance's on thursday.
i hope tuition can be changed to another day.
crossing my fingers.
but honestly, even if the mother wants to sack me i don't really give a damn.
so sick of that "what did you bring" look.
and that perpetually trying to not do work excuses.
grah. so so so naughty.
tires me out so badly.
i promise my child'll be an angel in the future, if i do have one.
i'll use the cane.
i'll discipline them.
but honestly, i think sometimes nature > nurture!
that'll be so so sad.
no wonder people have so many reservations about the whole having a child thingy.
it's hard.
and crap la. why do i keep talking about children nowadays.
i think it's seriously the environment man.
it's like innate already.
okay please let my thursdays be free.
i wanna dance agaain!!!!!!
on a lighter note, so glad tmr's cny celebrations!
no work for 4days (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
i'm currently suffering from major inferiority complex. maybe it's due to my ugly face, my fat buldging stomach, my ever-so-huge calves, or the stress at work, both work, in fact. i think, it's a combination of all. i'm feeling so gross.
.
i feel so ugly and so fat. so much so that i so desperately wanted something to change of myself. with the upcoming meetings of my s24 classmates, princesses, exco and distant family members i meet once a year during cny. i just wanna look different and not the same as before. so i wanted to highlight my hair to show my friends that jer can look pretty too. but no that did not turn out well. stupid highlighting is so bloody expensive. so i merely went to cut my hair. but friendly hairdresser said that my hair's too layered there's nothing much i can do about, so he merely trimmed it. and great, i look exactly the same, and wasted my money.
.
and guess what? i still feel so ugly and fat. and gross.
.
and it just brings me to think. i miss dancing so much. especially doing contemp.
that grand jetes that i'd always dreamt of doing, but my legs were never merciful to let me do so.
they never allowed me to fly.
those attitude jumps
and my dream of doing a pas de deux one day. i wonder if it'll ever come true. i think pas de deux are beautiful. but my legs'll never bring me to that level. stubborn legs.
it's a disappointment. how till now, i've never been able to do a decent grand jetes. and my legs are left at only a 100degrees. which is gross.
well, at least there's exams to work for. but then again i don't know what i'm excited about. i might not be able to even do well. my arch's gross. and i've got such a big butt it's making me stick my already very huge stomach out and making me look so arched.
spammed sytycd for the past days. and i remembered how excited i was to start dancing after As. but that did not come true! grah. i so wanna learn salsa and feel like abandoning ass to learn coz his timing is just ALL wrong. but it's not like i'm very free either coz of night committments! gosh. and it's not like those night committments are absolutely exciting considering how much more my patience gets tested. it's like those cheeky men who wolfwhistles at you and you wanna just give them a punch on their face but you're trying to hold back because you know you'll get into trouble. erm, that's a very bad annotation but it's just the feeling. and i'm rattling. i should go.
let's just keep dancing_____.
life's been a whirlpool. it'd just been so amazing and so ironic how life changes so quickly. one day's so different from the other and you simply won't be able to predict or expect what's gonna be happening next.
in retrospect, the beginning of 2009 was spent aimlessly. there was no more fretting over the undone piles of homework, preparing to meet new friends, preparing to meet new teachers, and wondering how the year'll go by. this beginning was started with no plan, no views, no future. it was purely a live one-day-at-a-time thing.
the day they called me, however, was certainly a life-changing experience. alright, perhaps that word's too strong to use, but i'm sure it'd changed my viewpoint on life by ten folds. maybe it's still too early to think about it now when i should be thinking about screwed up As and the possible uni (or retaking As life) but i really have second thoughts on like childbearing and the many risks andconsequences to it. i know by saying this, i myself am those insensitive people on the streets who ostracize these kids by how they are born something uncontrollable, but it really makes me wonder. by agreeing to go ahead with it, wouldn't the child suffer even more in the future? i believe i'm not being entirely selfish here, that i do not want that so-called burden. but instead, if i view from the child's perspective. would i really want that too?
through these, my patience was tested. they tested the waters to see how deep it is, apparently mine was pretty shallow. i've never seen myself being so patient (on the surface) to someone before, when inside i'm jsut dying to punch his face. i've never seen myself being so sacrificial, at the risk of getting pushed, or punched in the face. i've never seen myself, crying over these kids, at how they are, how lucky i am, how fortunate and blessed i should feel. i've never seen myself, getting so stressed over curriculum, and desperately hoping i'm able to impart some knowledge for them to take home.
it's not just what i should do. it's more of, what i would be able to let them gain from this. i really would not want, at the end of the 6months, to come to a realization that they have not learnt anything from me, and that ultimately i was the one who wasted their 6months away. it stresses me to find a perfect or rather best solution to handle them. their moods, their thoughts, their bad days, their emotions...
there's just a million things i'd wished i had. the ability to know more about them, and how they are thinking. and how just to better myself, so that they would be able to understand what i'm trying to impart to them too. even though all these may change in a matter of few weeks, i just hope that my few weeks with them had changed them, in some ways or another.
and when i really do leave the class, i think i'll really miss them. though i got annooyed, angry, sad, upset and irritated time and time again. but i have after all, learnt plenty from them.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i don't think i'm those sort who'll give up that easily.
but i can't help but say, i'm so so so tired.
let's just keep dancing_____.
just when i admitted that my maturity level is a pit bottom.
i've just met someone whose maturity level is like grahh. please. you're just so immature in handling your own emotions. it irks me.
my mood just became from good to bad. thanks to you.
and i promise. since you've come to such extreme, i pronounce, war to begin.
bring it on man. if you're gonna be like this, then be that way. it's not like i really care.
sometimes, some people are just not meant to be treated with sincerity. because you treat them honestly genuinely, and they turn one whole round and end up biting you again. it's disgusting. and then they sound all oh-it's-so-not-my-fault-but-your-fault, when all you'd wanted to do was just treat them like friends.
i'm irked. i'm annoyed. i'm horribly disgusted.
but phy is right. YOU ARE NOT WORTH EVEN THINKING ABOUT. don't know why i even got troubled for a while. she said it was a tactic to make me think about you. which you were successful in. but phy don't worry now i know who'll be on my mind and who'll just be put farfar away.
I FEEL SO INSULTED. calm down jer. calm down.
think about. cutting hair. think about friday night. think about new environment. think about going to westmall tmr. (haha, eh i'm quite excited. i need to read up on certain stuffs at popular and the library. and buy miscellaneous things like sprite (to drink with the alcohol we bought from europe) and thirsty hippo (or my bro's books). gosh, i'm weird i like to buy weird things. and i wanna read up or at least roughly know how to sec2 chinese syllabus is like. and find my jodi pocult books! ahhh.westmall is love- do i sound like i have no life?)
okay. breathes in and out. i'm good again.
i'm sure ass'll be really angry for me too.
i shall complain my hearts out tmr.
let's just keep dancing_____.
spent the night fussing over mine and my sister's wardrobe.
it's just amazing to see how packed my sister's wardrobe is, but yet there's hardly much substance to it. she'd probably bought a bulk of it to US.
nonetheless. the occassional screeches (or rather, the more often than not screeches) of "oh man, so obiangg!" could be heard.
and my mum could only sigh and lament on how picky i am.
well you see, maybe it isn't as obiang as how i said it to be.
but oh boy it's just so amazing and unbelievable to see how much i've grown.
come on, my sense of dressing never leaves my faithful pair of jeans.
wherever i go, jeans follow me.
plus that causal longgg must-cover-butt tops are just so, me..
and all of the sudden i see myself in the mirror. not with jeans and long tops.
but formal skirts and formal tops.
cannot show arms, skirts below kneecap.
i'm just entirely not used to it.
how fast i've grown.
it's just so unbelievable.
so amazing.
so 18 years have passed by so quickly.
well, for one, i've never thought i'll come to this stage so soon.
i still, very much, feel like a primary school-er.
other than growing fatter and taller, my maturity level is very much still at the pit.
am i going out to the society so soon! it's just...
won't exactly say i'm very excited though.
teaching was never my passion.
though my kids are special, and thus it's not exactly the same.
i honestly do not know what to expect, and certainly, i don't even know how to pack my bag.
all i do know is that, early mornings, here i come again (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
basically, i'm too lazy to upload any pictures from my trip, because there're simply too many! so i guess i'm never gonna do it, since i've to choose pictures (and i think many many are nice) it'll be impossible for me to eventually pick any, so i shan't.
hahah (: hmmm. days had been pretty busy. back from europe and immediately church camp.
and then it was new year. so happy new year everybody.
and hmm now i've got a job. and i'm giving tuition like practically all the time.
so i'm really busy!
grahh.
oh dear i'm so lazy to blog already. haha, another time then.
let's just keep dancing_____.
the europe trip was alright. ten times better than what it had seemed like two years back.
we travelled from italy (rome, flourence, venice) to switzlerland (luzern, interlaken, zermatt) to france (paris).
to travel, bus. journey was long and trecherous. not to forget the coach wasn't exactly the most comfortable one. neck aches. back aches. shoulder aches.
rome. particularly enjoyed towering the leaning tower of pisa where everything was really tilting to one side. breathtaking view of rome from top.
venice was a major one. my sis and i miraculously got lost in venice. entirely freaked out every building and landmark looked similar. we don't understand nor speak italian. and, directions given went in two ways. flashes of not making it back. after asking several people, and ended up walking to even more yoo-loo places, a very very kind samaritan brought us right back. i can still remember how he looked like. and how traumatic that experience was. venice is just filled with a million dark alleys and corners!
switzerland was the most beautiful. adored the mountains the lake the scenery. the friendly courteous polite people. even though at the top of the mountains, it was bitterly cold with winds that bit your bones. it was still lovely.
paris. i finally got to climb the effiel tower that i merely got to see two years back.
extraordinary. i just loved it so much.
well one downside.
food's really expensive.
and guess what, toilets cost up to 1euro!
any how, home sweet home.
i love singapore.
let's just keep dancing_____.
hellos.
JER IS OFF TO EUROPE.
blog'll be dead for 14days.
make that 17 because i'll probably be at camp if all goes well.
so yes.
don't miss me too much people.
i know it's inevitable but ah, no choice (:
no excitement at all manz.
take care!!
let's just keep dancing_____.
i am freaking out over my trip to europe.
and i think this feeling. c would know best.
after all he saw me through that disgusting period of my life.
haunts me so badly.
keep having flashes that the same thing would happen again.
but i need to know that is remotely possible.
sister mummy daddy would be there
i would not be alone.
i should stay optimistic, and i should really be looking forward to it.
after all, it's gonna be a guided tour, what can really go wrong?
hmmm hopefully when i come back, it'll be a whole total different feeling from how it was two years back.
and yes person, i read your blog.
know i should treasure this trip because you wanna go so badly, but are not able to.
whereas for me, i have the chance to, but am not treasuring this.
oh well, when i'm back, i'll share the happy memories with you (compared to two years before)
and hmmm souvenirs? depends. there's really not much to buy there.
oh well.
i really miss my princesses.
we only met up like once after exams had ended.
now that phy's in europe (so coincidentally again) amy's back in msia wei disappeared theng's in hk. it seems so tough to meet up as one again.
hopefully our plans for the new year would fulfill! (:
though i bet amytan would still not be back.
ah well, 6 is better than none.
some things really pisses me off.
and i really hate being taken for granted.
let's just keep dancing_____.
yayy. jer's in a good mood today.
coz somebody made me laugh like super alot today.
resorted to squat down on the floor and cover my eyes from everything else lest i burst out into laughter again.
was so hilarious okay.
that pigeon walk was ultimate.
it'll make my day, anytime.
anyway lotsa long lost pictures (:
the last exco outing for the year probably
took plenty of really funny shots like this.
people stared! it was retarded.
and then.
there was seniors farewell.
the juniors were really sweet.
and i'll miss all seniors, lotsa.
njwd, for memories to keep
and ice skating (relieving good old childhood days)
it was nice to feel the ice again!
ass was noobshit. but have to agree, he got the hang of it really quickly.
and i made him tow me round and round.
it was so shuang.
wahahahaha.
he was like my tow truck.
i was the spoilt car heehee.
i couldn't pull him along with me.
so he couldn't have the chance to be the spoilt car! hehh.
cheese//
skates. skates. skates. nobody fell! whoohoo.
alright. we were trying to act pro, balancing and all.
fine. we ended up looking like penguins.
cute ones, though! (:
there. jing me mary.
and ass the faithful photographer.
i can't believe a trip to europe's gonna spoil all these.
if only i had another week more with you/
days. really. are. numbered.
let's just keep dancing_____.
sometimes the human mind is just so hard to crack.
we may perceive something to be what we think it to be, but ultimately judge it to be something else.
conflict of two minds'll just lead to clashes
and silence occurs when one feels either
1) no use saying anything more
2) fine, i lost
quarrels are inevitable i guess.
expectations and being unreasonable seem to be part of me
am i even trying to change
i hope i am because
i can't see it
neither can he
i was being such a bimbo baby after which though
nonetheless botanics gardens was fun
it was so yooloo
coz it was so dark
we went late
there were 3 things on my mind as we trekked from one end to the other
we walked from orchard to bukit timah
1) we'll get lost
2) somebody'll pop up and attack us
3) lizard's gonna drop on me
but the first 2 didn't haunt me much
he provides much sense of security
but i was so afraid of the third
i guess no one could really protect me from that
if it comes it'll come
but when we saw civilization again
both emerged unscathed
merely plenty of perspiration (not me actually)
and tomorrow
i'm gonna be relieving days of glory from the past
things that i've not done since secondary school days
the days when we got so excited the day before we could hardly sleep
it'll be fun
i just hope there'll be no bickering no unhappiness
just pure bliss fun laughter and joy
i guess i need it
our days are numbered
5days, and counting down.
let's just keep dancing_____.
hee. today was phy's harp concert.
was the emcee together with her.
successfully survived it by remaining backstage all the time.
speaking from stage wings.
guess it was an experience this is my erm third time emceeing.
but honestly the first two times didn't count.
i don't think this counts either because i hardly showed my face.
so yeah (:
grah.
despite the many "nooo!" "go away go away" and "shoo!"
stubborn cow.
i hate you so much.
let's just keep dancing_____.
omg, had been really really busy lately.
so i'm just gonna let pictures represent my days.
too lazyy to type out everything, would be realllyyy long too!
monday night was prom.
million pictures taken.
random ones are here.
really random.
jiamin bro
random panse shot
random eugene shot
this picture was chosen on purpose. coz i think this is the funniest picture ever.
i kinda think that i look good spastic
WHAHAHHAHA. perfect.
it's hilarious don't you think.
with mr jianhao.
and another hilarious jumping shot.
i changed into my slippers pardon me.
heels killed me. instantaneously.
and our world never leaves dance (:
well, i just signed up for FACEBOOK. whaahha. so go add me and see pictures (:
lubbs.
tuesday wednesday thursday was children's camp.
busy like crazy.
and exhausting.
learnt lots though. from sam, amelia, ruilin, derek. and many many others whom i'd worked with.
thank you for the wonderful experience though i guess you guys don't know my blog. hahaha.
by the way, travelling to sengkang everyday in the morning is no joke!
but i guess these kids really put a smile to my face.
naughty benjamin!
yayy. celine lexuan kyan yize.
hair dryer!! with yay sam and amelia (:
wednesday night was senior's farewell as well.
juniors, i really loved the song. the cover eyes put bib on. the screaming the laughing.
the westerndance experience.
LOVE NJWD! <3
let's just keep dancing_____.
well it wasn't very nice that tomorrow's prom
and today i realized that i could not fit into my leotard that i wore for ballet exams mid this year.
it was depressing even.
and during ballet.
doesn't help me when i saw how horizontally i've grown.
let's just keep dancing_____.
just had lotsa fun at panse's party!
the place we went was so beautiful.
it was at club csc at bukit batok.
i stay nearby i pass by there every week for ballet, but yet i've never been there -.-
really really really pretty!
it's so nature-based within a concrete jungle (:
pretttyyyy.
look at this. totally scenic.
the room was beautiful too.
decorated till like woww.
ate plenty plenty plenty.
they have this desert like thing which was really sweet.
zong and i love it to bits.
the sweet-tooth welfarers! hee.
then yingting, calvin, rachchew and zong started talking about hiphop things.
jiateng who was seated across the table from me, started doing weird things.
this was the result of camwhoring.
after that. tim came.
and his hood was cool.
but we were evil.
we all zhao-ed from the table.
leaving him alone doing this.
everybody else turned around to stare at him.
and when he unzipped his hood, not only did he not find us at the table.
he found everybody else staring back at him.
i swear i laughed like crazy.
laughed till i had tears in my eyes.
and i kept smacking zong coz my stomach hurt sooo much.
poor tim, always bullied by us.
but he just brings soo much laughter, coz he was sooo blur about it!
.
then. there were games.
and something really embarrassing happened.
panse "nominated" (more like sa-boed) me to go play the game.
so jia teng and i had to go. coz it was like a couple thingy where we had to act/dance to a specific song.
it was sooo -.-
our song was i can't remember.but something like wait a minute.
so this was what we did.
.
jiateng stood there. i walked towards him.
he told me to "wait. a minute"
then after that. we did corny dance.
which was totally corny.
but i guess we were so enthu it was fine.
kept laughing and laughing and laughing.
and superbly unglam. goshh.
all my reputation gone.
but then, it was really fun.
.
remember how when i was young i used to be sooo afraid of such things.
this was probably my first time.
heck care about all other things, just have fun man.
hahah i realized that i didn't take much group picture with my camera.
.
but with panse's camera, and eesha's.
soo hmmm.
this was the best hehh.
really had a great time. if i can find more pictures, i'll upload them next time (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
i so regret cutting my hair.
not only would i NOT be able to do nice prom hairstyles like this.
curls curls i love curls!
or even this.
worst still.
I HAVE A MUSHROOM LIKE HAIR.
let's just keep dancing_____.
lotsa lotsa lotsa things happened today.
but firstly.
exco pictures!!
our nice little outing on tuesday (:
we had wanted to take with the yellow little train
we were really bored while waiting for yingting to come. tim's our photographer.
while walking to suntec. such a cool and blurry shot (: panse me shi
panse reg drea me tim yingting shi
exco 07-08 + ms oon - zong
come to think of it. can't believe how much the exco had grown as one. i guess we'll always have each other etched in our memories. i'm sure they'll know jer as the ego one who always self proclaims herself to be pretty. ahhaha, yeah i don't know why i'm so ego infront of them eh. no sense of shame heehee.
TODAY.
met up with classmates! to go shopping at vivo. tried on my ugly dress in the morning. and my maid proclaimed so loudly "really look fat!" my heart broke into a million pieces i was seriously affected! so when we were shopping in vivo i tried on a few dresses, all were nicer than my one. i was so tempted to buy. but i guess i'm glad i didn't. i really did not want to waste any more money. bad economy.
so yay anyway we took pictures. you've so gotta see this it's hilarious.
i put my camera on the steps outside. the wind was so strong. the sun was glaring.
couldn't see when my camera was flashing.
so didn't know when it took.
thus this very very candid shot.
it's really ugly. but veryyy funny.
after several failed attempts in trying to take a proper picture.
smart me discovered the nursing room with a super big mirror.
and we wonder why nursing room need such a big mirror eh.
i'm sure the little babies don't look at it right -.-
so anyway look at the sign. it's hilarious.
and it's right below wanling's face
she was complaining like crazy.
sadly i had to leave early coz today was my first theory lessson.
and so many things happened.
took 61 to house. from there took 985.
i didn't know where to alight and before i knew it i saw myself turning into chua chu kang.
realizing something was wrong i immediately went to ask the bus uncle.
the uncle said so loudly "HUH BUKIT BATOK? WE DROVE PAST IT LONG AGO."
was so embarrassed.
got off the bus at 615 my lesson started at 615.
desperately hailed a cab (waste $$)
told the taxi uncle about my predicament.
and told him "uncle, don't you think if i learn driving, i'll probably get lost driving halfway because i've got such a bad sense of direction?"
the uncle started laughing at me.
he's so nice.
went into class late.
everything was okay.
but the stupid instructor kept directing questions at me.
omg i'm a total newbie. i had no idea what was going on okay.
half the questions that he asked, was directed at me.
"miss would you answer this?"
"miss do you know?"
miss, miss, miss.
so annoying.
and i had no idea how to answer.
it was soooo embarrassing i wanted to strangle the instructor and ask him to stop asking me questions.
there were sooo many other people
and i was seated at the side okay grahh annoying
many people said that basic theory very easy to pass
my mama signed me up for the lessons precisely because she thought i would not be able to pass by studying it on my own
i think she was right
half the time i did not know what the instructor was talking about
omg, i suck
i don't have the most basic common sense
dear me.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i've started reading my driving book!
haha yes jer is gonna learn driving!
i keep telling my mama how i'll crash i'll crash coz i play the arcade game and i never fail to crash
and she always scolds me after that
honestly i'm not prepared at all to learn driving, or start driving for that matter
my mama had to force me to go register
and she's forcing me to finish learning everything so i can take my basic theory right after we come back from europe
which is dumb i've gotta learn everything in 2 weeks
and i feel so sian
i thought i could kinda like leave books for awhile,
but apparently not
study again
sianzzz.
i really hope you'll come back soon.
it's taking too long too long.
i cannot stand it.
now now now now now.
protest.
let's just keep dancing_____.
argh.
i hate the idea of going to prom now.
dress is disgusting.
i look fat and frumpy.
because of my horribly broad shoulders!
I WANNA WEAR NJ UNIFORM THERE.
i'll be the starrr of the night.
argh. i hate feeling so ugly.
plus ugly hair.
stoopid me go cut hair.
now hair's like
damn. i hate the idea of prom now.
plus big paunch.
big big big big paunch. so disgusting.
and so tough to make it back to how it was like.
eeks.
i'm feeling uberly irritated now.
i'm so freaking tired.
went back to ballet yesterday.
first time since a long time.
all the fats were so tough to control.
my legs were not even 45degrees.
my stomach was sticking out like nobody's business.
my turn outs were totally invisible.
and what the.
i'm aching all over now.
like crazily aching.
exco the whole day today.
walked super alot in heels sooo high.
laughed like crazy.
ate alot.
money gone.
so freaking tired.
more pictures once sloth ong shi uploads.
miss exco (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
(:
need i say more.
people recognizes the smile.
the relief.
the long-sought freedom.
though i still could not come to terms how hard we've slogged for 12years of education.
and here we are letting 3 mere weeks determing the rest of our life.
oh well.
leave the rest to God (:
spent the thursday with class.
didn't take much pictures with them unfortunately! ):
but hehh guess we're going shopping again on wednesday.
random shot in the very nice and yooloo toilet!
my loveliest lovely princesses!!!!
had such a good time with them.
SEVEN of us.
love it love it!
it's just the love they provide.
I MISS THEM SO MUCH.
ate at asian kitchen
we sat outside vivo eating cake right out from the cake box.
and people stared at us like we were some animals.
ah jing extra stand in front stretch out her hands like mother hen. hahaha.
more camwhoring!
yay how i wished time would stand still at this moment.
but life's gotta go on. found a job. but sigh. my whole dec is as good as wasted ):
but i'll enjoy it. i guess. i must (:
let's just keep dancing_____.
biooo is killing me.
i've been on the same vj paper for more than 2hours omg.
i wanna read potterrrr.
let's just keep dancing_____.
spent the entire day whacking at bio mcqs.
but not really giving it much attention because there's still tmr
and because everyone is more or less in that As is over mood
pcme friends had finished their battle
fills me with envy knowing that my day'll only come in another 48plus more hours
slotted bio mcqs in with harry potter.
been reading quite a number of books during the exam period
it's queer human nature
how the more we aren't supposed to do it
the more we enjoy doing it
like normally you don't see me reading
but within a rather short period of time i've finished reading 2books
now reading the third
a thousand splendid suns is a good book
the author has a very captivating pen
draws you into the whole scene so much that
i dreamt i was in it
woke up pretty startled though coz the dream was abit weird
when i told ass about it
could sense his amusement mixed with disgust
if he'd told me the same thing in his context
i would've been dead disgusted as well no amusement at all
but eh it was a dream i couldn't possibly have controlled it right
AND NO I WAS NOT THINKING ABOUT IT
mind you
i'm perfectly sane and normal
harry potter's been cool to me too
though somehow when i read it i'm always so afraid something'll pop out
okay choy
i guess i've gotta stop my hands from picking up the book tmr
once i read it i really can't stop
finished reading memoirs in a span of three days (didn't read for a day coz i forced myself to study and promised i'll chop my hands off if i touched the book)
i finished reading a thousand splendid suns in two days
and in half a day (or less than that) i finished like one quarter of harry potter
and not to forget, whacking at bio mcqs in between
dang. who's in the studying mood.
there was two and a half whole days to study bio mcq
but i forced myself
i have more than 6months after this 2 days
should relish the two days of studying eh
yeah. bio mcq i promise i'll own you.
or so, i hope to dream (:
well it's always good to feel optimistic
after feeling like shit for two weeks or more.
AND GUESS WHAT.
tmr is the last day i'm gonna be eating lunch at home.
i ate lunch at home every single day ever since the 19th of october.
other than the day we had chem and econs.
and yes. tomorrow's the last day i'm gonna be cooped up in my room from 8 to 12.
i'm gonna see the world again.
AT LAST.
gosh i feel like i've been trapped in my house forever.
it's only been a month.
a long one though...
let's just keep dancing_____.
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
ASSHOLE AGREED TO LEARN DANCE WITH ME.
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY
now i've got a partner.
i can finally learn a proper pair (i don't know what i wanna learn yet) dance
YAYYYY
i am so excited.
and i'm probably gonna learn simple hiphop too.
and learn to be as cool as yingting (in my dreams i know)
and stretch everyday so i'll be so flexible as the insane 200degrees reg lim!
and go for ballet faithfully so that my techniques'll be so pro as ong shi.
AND DANCE WITH CLAIRE NANA AND SARAH
who'd always been going on dance spree with me during the holidays
so that we'll be ready for DANCE NIGHT 2010 right!!
claire had very kindly already found a few dance schools we could join.
probably more jazz-y style. like latin jazz. street jazz. broadway jazz. but i don't know what we'll be doing we have yet to discuss.
i'm so excited to be dancing with them again! AH! can't wait.
AND I WANNA DO CONTEMP CONTEMP CONTEMP CONTEMP.
contemp's my loveeee.
I SO CANNOT WAIT FOR THURSDAY 9.15a.m. to come.
JERRRRR IS EXCITEDDDD for what's gonna come soon.
freeedom and life. in 5days.
COUNTDOWN.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i think i'm really silly. naive.
who was i to kid, who was i lying to?
i despise myself for having thought that way. arrogant arrogant me.
hah, really who was i to kid when i told them i wanted to get at least 4 As. or even better what about 5.
it's just pure dumbness.
people who believed that i can do it, hah, i've seriously let them down.
yes it was a lofty ambition, to want to be able to get into medical school, but seriously that was far too ambitious for me.
ass thought i really could. my bro wanted me to too. i believed, at one period of time that i could too.
but all those are just pure fantasy.
i guess my parents are the only one who really know what my capabilities are.
i remember so vividly that day when i told them very proudly that i could get at least 3As. and got chided for sounding so arrogant and proud. they were right. i was too. i could never in the nearest hope get 3As. i remember feeling so angsty and disappointed that they didn't believe i can. but ppffft, come to think of it, nothing could've been more true.
to some i may look like i'm smart just that i don't study that's why i've been failing so badly for tests and all.
but truth is, i guess i'm just not cut out for major examinations like As.
i've never felt so afraid in my life.
stepping into nj the first day i told myself, your role to come here is to get 5As.
after the first common test, when i failed every single subject. i told myself it's fine i merely didn't study.
after promotionals, i said alright so maybe 5As is too far fetched. maybe 4As.
then it was year 2 common tests, so i said okay lower it 3. 3 is certainly possible.
and so my aim had been that ever since.
i worked. i've never so hardworking before.
in sec4 i don't remember feeling this stressed.
THIS A LEVELS IS SCREWED UP.
i tell you i've never been so afraid so disappointed with myself ever.
throughout these few weeks, i've cried the most i've ever had in my life.
throughout these few weeks, the adrenaline rush could possibly kill me.
throughtout these few weeks, i've never ever dropped this much hair before.
gp was screwed up. i would be really happy with a B. but if i've got 1percentile in nj. when i'm up competing with the other schools. i'll probably be 0.002 percentile. so where would that get me.
math was screwed up. so disappointed with myself after paper1. ass called and i started crying over all the stupid and yet costly mistakes i'd made.
econs was screwed up. BIG TIME. do you know that my dearest school had never ever emphasized on market structure. so all the guai people like me never studied market structure at all. and best. what did microecons come out? market for demand and supply. market structure. market failure. all market shits. but who am i to blame? if i'd been more hardworking maybe i would've studied market structure and did q2 which i guess was the easiest out of all of them. but so anyway i did market failure. and oh yes did i fail. nonsense it wasn't the usual negative positive externality that we've always been doing. it was bloody monopoly. so yes. out of 25 marks. i would cry for joy if i could get 10marks. ms lee once mentioned, if one of your essays get below 15 marks, there goes your A.
I KISS MY A GOODBYE.
after econs essay, that night was the worst night of my life. i was so stupid. i really really was so stupid. i went to look through the 07 prelim question booklet and found an almost similar question. i went to read the answer.
it wrote L1: merely listing out all the policies without evaluating.
I COULD SHOOT MYSELF IN THE HEAD THEN AND THERE.
that was exactly what i did. listing out all the policies and not evaluating them at all.
i even forgot to write that theere was government failure. which cost me 2 marks!
so best, the most i can get is 3marks.
started crying.
went to bathe. cried again.
came out tried to study for econs case. cried again.
thought of getting BBCCC for As cried again.
thinking of not being able to get into uni. cried again.
i cried more than 5times that night.
and well to myself, coz ass was already sleeping i couldn't possibly call him.
to make myself feel better, i msged phy. but i think i ended up sounding more annoyed to her. (SORRY PHY)
got so stressed for my case study coz i told myself i must do well must do well must do well
after case. everybody came out so happy.
I WAS LIKE -.- very easy meh.
they say no. but their faces looked more like yes.
and i felt screwed again coz i thought the questions were so weird. while doing them i was like shit how to answer what are they asking for.
i wanted A for econs okay i really really did.
but i see my 25 marks essay gone just like that (and seeing the marking scheme made me feel worst)
i think it's impossible to get A.
PLUS the fact that other schools all do the easier market structure question. so nj is at a very very very big disadvantage. school's gonna flip next year.
chem was the worst.
honestly i never had high hopes. i never wanted my chem to get A.
because every since i entered nj i've never ever passed in my life.
but i was still hoping for a B.
but now i kiss my B goodbye again.
i can't believe how much i screwed up paper3.
it was a relatively easier paper. damn it.
everybody's gonna do so well the stupid bell curve will shift to the right! ARGH.
and i screwed it up big time. did the stupid question2 and couldn't even answer more than half of it.
plus the fact that i hardly studied for organic chem. coz i was complacent. i thought i do alot of tys all the organic i all can do.
so stupid. no practice means fail. the few days before i didn't even tough chem. i totally forgot all my organic. paper3 came out like practically all organic. and i couldn't answer sooo many organic. whatever reaction shit. what reagent condition and EVEN THE MECHANISM the easiest part. omg i screwed it up so bad.
so i told myself never still got paper2 and paper 1.
paper 2 was just as bad.
after i came out, it was fine. only don't know how to do complex what right. nevermind the rest were okay.
as i was studying for paper1 SO MANY FREAKING THINGS I REALIZED I WROTE WRONGLY. plus i thougth since paper3 had so much organic there'll be less organic. but i was wrong there was still so many organic.
the night before paper1. when i realized how much mistakes i'd made for paper2.
ass called. i cried again. damn it such a crybaby.
told him how much i wanted to get at least a B for chem. but i don't even think i can pass now!
well i felt better after talking to him of coz.
and then i msged wanling and she was very nice. she say nevermind still can salvage. just do really well for paper1 tmr!
so i worked bloody hard. i did like ALOT of mcqs. seriously.
i bombarded theng phy and even tommy with mcq questions.
i felt more confident.
but the bloody paper1 was so difficult. i spent half the time guessing.
there's problems even passing paper1.
i'm so screwed for chem. i'm still hoping i'll get B. but deep inside me i know it's not possible.
damn it. never felt this uncertain this afraid in my entire life.
but there's still bio. i will work hard for paper3 and paper1. i must at least do reasonable for bio.
but if i blog on thursday that bio's not good either.
you know how horrible my life is for me now.
i just hope that when i cry, it's when i'm talking to someone.
coz crying to myself is just the most horrible feeling.
especially when you're trying to hide your face from the hustle and bustle in the family.
oh well. if i'm not able to get into a uni next year. i wonder what'll dad do about me
and i seriously hope that results come back after cny. i can't imagine my mum telling my relatives about how badly i'd done. and if that's the case i'd rather fall really ill during cny and not be able to get out of home. who likes being labelled as stupid. yes i can call myself stupid, but i don't like it when people tell me i'm stupid. it's a human thing. well you should understand.
i just hope. that i am still able to get into uni next year.
of coz, no more med school. never should have.
but at least i hope i can do something that i'll like.
no chem. no chem. i detest chem.
let's just keep dancing_____.
ohhhmyyyggoooahhhh
i am so gonna fail my A's
i have never ever ever passed chem in my entire life.
i have only done a few tys papers. and the max i could ever get which was the easiest paper out of the wholeee tys was a B. a freaking B. under slack home conditions, and referring to the freakingg chem notes periodically. B. ohmygawddddd. kill me.
i gave up doing stoopid math tys coz sooo many were out of syllabus and they demoralized me after i did ONE 06 paper which was so bloody difficult. i finished the whole purple book except for a few questions but that was because there were solutions with it and i peeked at solutions all the time.
i do not know how to answer bloody bio questions. my mcq had never gotten above 25 and did i mention that the max i ever got for bio was E. omg. plus the fact that i hate prokaryotes eukaryotes bacteria virus. and i can't remember what shit enzymes and what processes. the millions of weird looking names. and how in the world adaptive radiation comes about and why we must even know that coz i don't even believe in evolution. can you imagine we used to be flies and we got mutated until we became humans. ah it's dumb. and the only bio stuffs i did was one stupid tys year and i bet i flunged it i didn't even bother counting my marks. and guess what oh great i have not even touched my application syllabus. i have a million tys papers more to do.
best. econs is the best. not only have i not touched econs AT ALL. i have not touched econs ever since prelims ended. alright, i'm sure 3 essays, 2 on globalisation and 1 on demand and supply would se help me pass econs. damn. i'm freaking complacent. not to forget i failed my econs essay for prelims 9/25. how great.
gp is probably the worst of the lot. many people don't treat gp as they are supposed to. but not for my case when i've gotten a freaking 1% in the whole cohourt. how wonderful. my essay's probably the worst coz i totally wrote out of the point and flunged so badly. and for aq, they gave me a mercy score because we can't get 0 for aq as long as we wrote something. i wrote 2 pages long. and not to forget gp's in 2 days. okay fine two and a half days.
i'm so gonna fail my A's. if i'm the bottom of the bottom in nj. what makes me think i'll be able to get top 70% of the bell curve in the stupid cumulative graph to ensure my As and Bs. i used to think Cs was bad. but i don't think they're attainable for my standards now.
i know lamenting all these ultimately would be no use for me. but i can't stand it okay.
i've got like a billion bio papers to complete. i should get started on econs before my only hope subject fails me. i shouldn't keep thinking that practicing math is no use. and i bloody hope i've got sufficient luck for chem. i never ever passed in my life okay. what the.
so pissed. i should study.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i hate my life i hate my life
if you're gonna continue being like this
i'd rather get none of it
just be away entirely
stop making me suffer
let's just keep dancing_____.
day 1.
he's gone.
it seemed so unreal that he'll even be leaving just a week ago.
and yesterday i saw him, walk away. waving good byes.
the feeling totally set in.
that feeling of losing someone. was so painful.
but well i made a promise.
my only promise to him.
was to study hard and work hard for my A's.
2 weeks is all i have.
for all the time i had wasted i will catch up.
today i cooped myself at home.
did plenty of math.
the occassional distractions of him appearing in my mind.
that motivation, to work even harder.
i had to keep to my promise i know.
i wasn't gonna let anything stop me now.
i will work hard, i will get grades good enough to get into my desired course.
theng mentioned she wanna see that fighting spirit in me again.
i guess this is it.
i don't believe that i can't do it.
who knows, 2weeks may be a miracle.
i will work hard.
it's a promise with exchange for three.
there's no more frequent vibration of hp to show a msg received.
there's no more longg calls.
even when a lizard nearly jumped on me today, i had no one to complain to.
it's okay. study hard study hard.
i must keep my promise.
let's just keep dancing_____.
there're certain things in life that we know we shouldn't be too concerned over.
hurting things, harping on them would not make me feel any better. so what for?
hmmm i'm blessed. very blessed.
i should be counting my blessings instead of perpetually thinking that my life sucks because of this and that.
as what ass always tell me, i should not and yup i really should not, be looking at how badly people treat me, but instead, think of the good they've done for me.
well the next time i start complaining again, i should really think twice. hah, fine i admit i tend to generalize and hold grudges.
hee, i'm blessed. at least, i have true friends.
oh ho. now's not the time for such anyway. it's 20 days to A's. ARGH. ever since i started on my studying plan, i did not manage to follow it since day 1! boohoo. but it's okay i won't give up. i've got a goal to work towards. yayy optimism and confidence is good i guess.
i hope the air con would quickly be repaired. i can't stand staying home all day. it's killing me. i'm eating every few minutes and my stomach's like buldging agaain. somehow i hope i get ulcers again so that it would be too painful to even week. like last week. i promise i slimmed down! heehee. but now the food had found its way to build up my fats again.
okay. no more procastination jer!
but hehh, ass is flying. and yup when he's back, he's gonna be a successful flyer! (: yayy. when you're stressed behind the wheel, i'll be stressed behind the books! work hard together!
let's just keep dancing_____.
i thought i just blog before the clock strikes 12midnight otherwise all these would be pretty passe.
but i just had the greatest ever birthday of my life.
it was showered with so much so much love and friendship.
omg still recovering from the shock.
went out to meet ass at marina square. ate, watched movie and did everything like a normal birthday spent.
then was actually told had to go for dinner with family and all.
then like wth when we were about to reach back, i started hyperventilating coz i was so scared and all. my goshh.
then we were just walking walking. and he used another way to go back to house what, but i didn't really know where we were walking coz i'm still really blur about the place. and then! wahhhh. i suddenly realized that we weren't exactly heading the right direction. and i asked so where are going? then he said oh show you something. but coz i was abit slow, and coulddn't exactly register what was happening. he opened the door.
and then. POP POP POP POP. oh my word. i screamed. and then the first face i saw was ong shi's spastic face. squatting down like some unglam pig. and then i saw many many familiar faces.
the dancers. reg shi yingting jiateng weizong andrea panse huiting tim
and my princesses. phy jing mary theng wei amy
and ben and xinrong.
ahaha the three groups yes.
and tears just started to well up in my eyes. i was so touched. and i see ass standing behind me staring at me, smiling ever so cheekily.
i stood at the door for like a really long time. i felt soooo i don't know. and i was so apprehensive to step in, why, i don't know. but i'm just sooo touched. i seriously am.
it was so nice. despite this very horrible major exam period. they actually took time out for me, what was i supposed to feel.
AHHH. i love them!
to the dancers. all the joy and laughter brought to me in nj, accredited to you. you guys are the funniest most hilarious and best company ever. your friendship is ever so valuable to me. and i really will miss and love every single one of you! i really am so thankful. that despite all being so muggerish esp reg priya and yingting, YOU GUYS CAME DOWN! ah, still recovering from the shock. thank you so much dancers. i love plus love you!
to my lovely princesses. AHHHHH. reminiscing about the times we spent together. the super strong friendship we have had. the great mg days. really binds us all. reading all your lovely msges had really touched me so greatly. i'm really glad i have you in my life. ahhaha and i really feel like marrying you all you know. WE SHOULD BE SWORN SISTERS OR SOMETHING. you know through these 2 years, our contact with each other had been so little. we see each other occassionally when we can meet up, but yet, the amazing bonds we have between each other, felt from ALL PARTS OF THE UNIVERSE. grahh. there's just this unspoken trust we have and that i know will never be broken. this friendship i know i can count on forever, and needless to say, we'll be friends for like till we grow old. remember the pact we made, old aunties sitting together to drink high tea. yes, i know we will be! hahaha we'll attend each other's wedding. and for sure, one of you will be my bridesmaid or something. hahah you know those kind la. okay think too far. i'mjust trying to illustrate this really amazing friendship. hAHHA.
and ben and xinrong. oh man. i'm so sorry that you two felt alittle, or rather, very awkward! but i'm really thankful that you two made an effort to come down. and those chocolates. i'll try them and tell you if they're nice. but i'm sure they'll be. looks delicious enough. but eh, really thank you thank you!
AHHH. i love this birthday.
it really showed me the friendship that i'd forged. and that these friends would always stand by me. in times of darkness and light (:
in any case. thank you for all the well wishes and smses!!
nana teo, mel pok, yi ni, meimei, jianhao, cheryl, shawn, eugenee, rachel, wanling, donnie, erika, zhili. hmmm i hope i didn't miss out any.
and class people. for the birthday cake/erm tiramisu, and bag. hahaha. LOVE.
okay sheesh i feel so loved! <3
and yes ass. you're the key-est person who brought this much love to my life. the time and money and more importantly, the effort that you had to put in to plan this for me. that humongous lovely birthday card. was priceless. hehh i can't say much here but you should know how i feel!
thank you all, to make this 18th birthday of mine. such a memorable one.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i feel evil.
i did something utterly, beyond words, evil.
i stare at my notes i see myself holding a knife with horns sticking out of my head and a vampire teeth.
i feel so horrible.
and i'm so sorry. would you pleasee forgive me?
i really didn't mean to hurt you so bad.
sometimes, things tend to shoot out of my mouth so uncontrollably.
ugly words. as sharp as a sword.
i'm really sorry.
not in the right frame of mind to hurt someone who loves me so dearly.
no wonder they say A's kill one's social skills and every relationship.
let's just keep dancing_____.
a day out with my beloved babies in mg was loveee (:
with mr ling. mrs low. ms teo. and all others.
look at the change in expression.
from sane.
to insane
to entirely out of the world.
i miss those days, hell loads.
and hanging out with my dearest babies made me not think of unhappy things.
if one day should i die, they'll probably leave me dying with a smile on my face.
AND OH BOY. all SEVEN of us. love love loveees.
let's just keep dancing_____.
you're right. other than mourning and wallowing in self pity about the horrendous prelims grade, why not put that mourn into action and just start working hard for what is more important. shouldn't be too concerned over stuffs that i've got no control over. since it has already happened, let it happen.
thank you for that little walk home. and that very inspiring wake-up call.
sorry that my bad mood had been affecting you, and the others around me. i will improve.
i will work hard. i don't believe if i study hard, i won't be able to do well for A's.
let's just keep dancing_____.
sheesh i'm doing so badly. the thought of that kind of grades appearing on my A-levels certificate scares the poo out of me.
let's just keep dancing_____.
somehow i feel i am remotely capable of doing well for my final exams.
makes me wonder, am i just not studying enough, or is this the maximum i can go.
the world's too tough for me. in this fierce rat race of chasing to be the top, it feels as if the other rats are bigger and more competitive. i'm just not cut out for such race.
argh, so sick of the daily competition and pressure.
how everybody is talking about getting As and Bs. and all i'm hoping for is a mere pass.
let's just keep dancing_____.
cried my eyes out yesterday night. at the fragility of life. when one feels like the world loves her, fate strikes, to rob her of this happiness.
dark clouds.
does everyone have a perpetual unhappiness in them. it ain't those superficial unhappiness they find themself submerged into time and time again. but it's those that sinks deep down inside.
why does sorrow seem so much more apparent than happiness.
let's just keep dancing_____.
half truths are lies. and once someone starts lying, they need many more to cover up. these little loopholes that they leave behind, tend to magnify the little lies that they had began with. and when this happens, a cascade of reaction resulting in amplification occurs.
white lies as others say may be a charitable lie. to a little kid who's on the peripice of death, lying to him that he's still got a chance of survival may seem to be what's right. but is it really? white lies to not hurt others. white lies to prevent any wrongs. but lies are lies. should we tolerate that.
we sin no doubt. every single one of us. but inevitably, when we become the victim, lies seem to be deadly evil and intolerable.
humans are unfair creatures. we do what we do not want others to do to us. and when they do that, we condemn them, ten times more than ever.
why do i feel so gloomy deep deep down inside me lately.
let's just keep dancing_____.
lying comes in two forms. the first is the blatant and outright. the second is to hide certain truth.
why must you keep hiding certain stuffs from me. and when i sense something amiss and know that you don't wanna tell me about it, am i supposed to just act as if i don't know anything? something's just lacking again. and i feel like i can tell no one about it. there's a limit to everyone's patience, we're all like balloons, we burst too.
let's just keep dancing_____.
a month long of prelims is finally coming to an end. one last paper tomorrow, bio mcq. can't help but feel like slacking a little. after all, prelims dragged for so long, terious, and absolutely brain draining and tiring.
throughout this whole month, or even more than a month. really gotta thank the friends around me who've been giving me so much support. without your encouragement, and without knowing you are always there for me i guess i wouldn't have lasted for so long.
wanling, thanks for the random times i'll call you to ask you to explain to me certain concepts. i know there were times when you haven't even started studying yet but yet i call to disturb you but you were ever so patient with me. thank you so much.
meimei, those really random times i'll msg you to tell you i've lost all steam. you'll be so nice and encourage me all the way. really appreciate those little words of encouragement. also, always before the exams, you'll like panic with me. sharing my burden, i'm so appreciative of it.
koh zhi li, ya la you ass. always also call to kajiao me. hahah no la, share stuffs with me. thanks okay. for those random food stuffs. and your words of doom that always discourages me to study. hahaha no la. seriously, good friend, thank you for being there for me. yup, your ren sheng da dao li-ness is very mind boggling, but at least it makes me think. and i feel so mature whenever i can help with my two cents worth. haha.
phyphyphyphyphy i'll never ever forget you la. though we're seriously in two different places, but our hearts are always linked! thank you for those times i'll randomly msg you and say "PHY i've lost steam say something to motivate me" and you never fail. hahah your constant care and concern for me, i know. thank you thank you. now's your turn to jia you. should there be anything, i hope i can be there for you just as you were there for me!
and ya la stanley goh you too.
ii'm loved (:
my brother for one. though he's superbly annoying and never fails to stop bullying me. but hah at least it relieves stress and it makes studying much enjoyable (probably because i don't study at all when he's bullying me) HEE.
anyway last friday we had exco outing, after such a longgg time. those good old times, i miss.
let's just keep dancing_____.
wasting my life again. acting as if my prelims have ended, when i'm still far from it. since thursday. i haven't touched a single bio nor chem. until today. i wasted like five whole days of precious studying. drama serial marathon -.- my word.
met up with the princesses on monday (: but without wei ): ah well. it was good meeting them again. but stupid me felt so tired and low. so half the time i was probably stoning away and not talking and they were wondering what happened to me. damn it. really, the prophesy is coming true. i REALLY rather be in the backdrop. let me be quiet. let me be. dang, i hate that.
tuesday was love. heehee. nobody would've thought it'll ever be this day. i mean in other's eyes we may not be anywhere near perfect. but hehh, i guess we proved ourselves wrong! yayy. i really love the company. it's special. i'll treasure it.
AHHH. TWO LONG MONTHS. how am i supposed to last for two whole months! and it'll last all the way till AFTER my A's ): this is just so party pooper. and i thought i'll be REALLY happy after my A's coz we could celebrate together. BUT. now this would not be a possibility. somehow i wish you leave this month. i know you're not mentally prepared, but at least you'll be back in november right after A's end. otherwise it'll be in december, AND i'll be leaving when you come back :( how can i ever ever take it. eeks. but, ultimately it's your decision. i'll respect it.
i'll use drama serials to drown my sorrows after A's then. i think it MIGHT be effective.
i can't wait for A's to end. and for you to be backkkk. i know you haven't left yet. but i must be mentally prepared first. AH. i hope i can send you off, at least. i must be a good girl, so that my parents'll allow. if i can't. i'll cry myself to sleep every night! ):
let's just keep dancing_____.
we always regret. in big decisions in small decisions. i've changed, for the quieter for the less high less enthu. nj moulded me into something that's not me. now with a group of friends, i'd rather be the quiet one. just talk, and leave me to stone. many times i think, what if i had gone to another school. i know it's been like 1year9months. but sometimes people do look back and deeply regret their choices and decisions. what made me click nj after first three months? maybe i was afraid, afraid to be posted to a new environment. but maybe if i'd the courage to do so, my life would've been more cheerful. still the same old me. high noisy crazy.
i've never liked the school that much. what really made me stay on there. dance? academics? friends? no idea. didn't seem like anything was that strong a factor. but i feel a major factor was dance. syf. blocking choreo all done. as much as i didn't like it, but i feel like i had a strong responsibility to it. stubborn stubborn.
high expectations. some times when we reach too high, we fall down even greater. we climb to reach for the stars or the moon, only to realize we can't even touch the clouds. we could only deceive ourself. touch the reflection of the moon in the water. feel comforted. but are we really.
what are we really holding on for? if i'm really not happy this way. expectations never met. getting myself frown over things time and time again. is this really what i want? should i be holding on to something i stubbornly think is the best for me? because it's the only? why are people so afraid to lose somethings. why are we so coward to face new challenges, new environment new people? i don't know if it is stubbornness that's keeping me, or is it fear.
if the old don't go the new don't come. should i?
stoning. stoning. with all these running through my head. would i ever let go, at last?
let's just keep dancing_____.
long long long and horrendous prelims are finally halfway through. nj's just so damn smart. they drag prelims over a MONTH. know why? because we start exams two weeks before holidays and end exams one week after holiday. which means, we have to study during holidays!
my word, they are just driving us nuts. for people like me who aren't hard core muggers, i lost all my steam on tuesday. and i practically gave up on econs and math. but luckily when wednesday came, my steam came back to do a little math. so basically econ's gone.
well. math and econs are totally over. my expectations for econs is very high actually. but because of all the various screw ups, choosing wrong essay question, forgetting how to draw the damn MSC MPC graph that took me like 15mins, losing steam before econs case study. i calculated, if i were to just scrape a pass for everything, the most i can ever get is D. provided, i pass -.- my word econs was my only hope! arghh.
math was ten times worst probably. for paper 1 i left 35marks blank. paper 2 was relatively better. left about 25 marks blank. so considering there's be errors, careless mistake, wrong usage of formulas and all those shit, i probably would not pass. so there goes for math.
oh oh i forgot about gp. paper 1 sucks to the max okay. my essay is so screwed. i was never able to write good essays and i hate it. argh. paper 2 was still okay, just that there wasn't enough time to complete my AQ so i only wrote like two points, and i think they were out of point. SIGH.
bio paper 2 was horrible as usual. i can't memorize things for nuts okay. and chem paper 3 was hmmm weird. never passed bio nor chem. so i guess, it's expected? i think i'm super not the studying kind. no matter whether i put in effort or not, it's no use. i always fail.
party poops away. after thursday, i've been running a marathon! a marathon to watch drama serial.
haha. bro very nicely helped me rent the dvd for my drama serial and it's sooo nice! i'm almost done watching. AH, all that fantasy yeah i know is bad for health! but ooolala i love it so.
yesterday went out with a few friends to go buy amusing things.. ahaha. that was probably the first time i ever did it. and i'm really happy with my loot!
oh man, i really really really don't wanna start studying again! :(
let's just keep dancing_____.
my attention span for studying died out, quite long ago in fact. but yes, so here am i blogging aggain after a REALLY long time. coz dearest mary ang finally uploaded pictures so i can update.
wei's birthday in july. haha yeah i know it's been more than a month since.
but i realized something significant. phy's bday had 5people. wei's bday had 6people. and who's birthday is next? GASP is it mine!! then hopefully, it'll be SEVEN people. yes yes?
can't wait. i really want to see the seven of us together again. it's been long since. seems as if it's always only the few of us ): this cannot continue. come on us seven.
on a more party-pooper note. i am so gonna fail chem. i'm not even gonna bother to try.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i am so bloody bored now.
boring LESSON killed my interest and attention to do ANYTHING at all.
i've decided that i shall go watch the 9o'clock show for hot babes in bikini and lotsa bitching.
typical bimbo show. my gosh, stress reliever.
9o'clock! COME SOON.
freaking BORINGGGG.
i can't wait for tomorrow. EXCO DAY.
at some club club thing? hee cool beans!
let's just keep dancing_____.
omgggg. i just so so so so love courtney from sytycd4!
her top 8 solo was WHOMFH.
i can drool at her >.<
yes technically i am still watching sytycd3 on slow channel5.
but stupid asshole always distracts me to watch sytycd4 whenever he watches it.
argh. and then i get hooked at it. and i can't study. and yes i blame him :P
oh ho. GO WATCH COURTNEY'S SOLO.
i wanna dance like her.
but ahh. dream on jerlyn. practically, impossible!
let's just keep dancing_____.
i suddenly feel like playing five stones yet again.
my childhood hadn't been very electronic-fied. looking at young kids nowadays, all they play is psp whatever computer games that i have even yet to hear before and basically electronics stuffs. but i grew up with playing hand games, five stones, hankerchief game, stuff toys and barbie dolls.
sometimes i wished that we won't be moving on technologically so quickly. i still believe in playing with five stones and barbie dolls. what about my parents generations where they catch fishes in the longkang, and catch fighting spiders to watch them fight. i truly believe those are the real childhood. the world is moving on too fast i feel.
well i believe that in everything. you work not only for yourself but also for people around you. now i feel like the reason i'm studying the reason i'm working hard are for all the wrong reasons. there's no strong motivation, no truly genuine push. i regret the choice. the choice i had made a year and half ago. if only i could turn back time, i really would not have returned to where i am now. true enough, choices do make one regret. having no choice would only mean we are sucuumbed to whatever we get.
it's time to wake up. wake up to the harsh reality of life. of money. of materialistic pursuit.
let's just keep dancing_____.
EXCO!!!! i promise you the reason why i did not cry was not because i don't miss you all or i don't feel attached to you all at all! BUT the only reason why i didn't cry is that, AH most of the times i only cry because of stress, or because of disappointment (like danceworks). REALLY! but deep deep deep deep down inside me, you guys know how much you mean to me. i know we would still be in contact, i know we would forever have us in heart. i know exco would still be exco, hand on heart. I AM NOT HEARTLESS OKAY. i got alot of feelings one.
NJ would never ever ever ever be the same without you all you know. through out the soooo many months of shit and complaints from me i know. but ahhh.
REG SHINING HUITING YINGTING PRIYA ANDREA WEIZONG TIMOTHY ME
EXCO 0708
the best exco ever (:
yayy. stepping down. no more like STEPPED down.
jiayou loh exco 0809. you will certainly learn loads from the entire journey all the best.
i miss you already exco 0708. REMEMBER TO WATCH THE THING I MADE FOR YOU ALL.
i know i will still be mugging with you guys so yeah loveess.
truckloads of love and hugs.
reminiscing the good old danceworks days
EXCO 0708
salute!
heehee. quite corny.
NJWD> last together.
i guess i will really miss all of these.
it's been a good two years with all these kids. i will miss every single one of you! lotsa love and hugs.
let's just keep dancing_____.
hahaha nothing but mugging this week. but guess what? today's a good day.
firstly, i finished my exco stuffs! whoo! took a long time, but guess i was pretty efficient. pro at it already. EXCO i hope you will like it. i will certainly miss every single one of you. only like 5 more days! eeks. exco big love. jerlyn hugs you.
then it was PHOTOSHOOT. my gosh, dead cool. sister's graduation, so we went to take family portrait. it was a really cool experience. although they make you stay there for really long. and father and mother had a really funny thing, that is the picture is always spoilt by them. either they blinked or they didn't smile properly. it is so funny. there was even one where they had to kinda hug each other, but they could hardly do that, coz quote "so old already, where got do this kind of things one". heehee. so cute ^^
but yeah i hope the pictures turn out nice.
but anyway pre-photoshoot.
father and me!
brother and me!
sister and me!
so fun.
father and mother promised me one for my graduation too! :)
and next year i'll probably get to take another one since it's brother's graduation. we were hoping to go UK to take it actually -.- but i do not think it is even remotely possible. so locally it shall be, it's cool enough! ooo i love photoshoots as much as they are pretty tiring!
let's just keep dancing_____.
this is absolutely boring me. ARGH.
today's youth day so there's no school naive me thought that i'll be able to complete alot by staying home to mug.
RUBBISH. i am slacking my time away now. i hate myself.
let's just keep dancing_____.
i realized how how how much i miss mg!
AHHH. like truckloads. hug mg and never let go.
mg dance night was love. i so love my juniors. thank you for showing such enthusiasm and love when you saw us.
although reaction time was abit slow because of my new hairstyle.
it's like this:
me: HELLO!
junior: stares stares stares for 3seconds
junior: gasp! JERRR! huggss.
hahahha, lubs you guys loads. and see you all in two years time. promise*
the 06 batch will be back :)
reuniting with nana claire and sarah was love too. though sarah left early.
but there seems to be an unspoken strong bond between us.
we didn't feel awkward at all even though we have not seen each other for about a few months.
just love them so much! am really glad our conversations are simply never ending.
AH. i miss mg. though it changed alot.
but as what they say.
once a mg girl, always a mg girl.
jerrahclana
let's just keep dancing_____.
i feel utterly resigned to fate.
helpless to where my life brings me too next.
sometimes you just make me go crazy too, just that i am able to control it and not show it.
after the highly hair-raising and heated argument of shouts and screams and sobs.
i officially declared that i was absolutely drained from these.
from the previous time this happened, i told myself that i would never ever take this ever again.
but it did anyway.
superbly affected by it. it leaves a shadow in my heart.
even as we hung up, somewhat peacefully, i was just sick and tired of facing all of these again.
koh called me and immediately sensed something was amiss.
when he asked, tears just could not fight their way back in.
i just had to pour out everything.
experienced man gives wise words.
i listened.
called him.
reassured him.
he said he was tired and wants to sleep.
suddenly i feel so rejected and resigned.
i ate the humble pie but apparently it didn't work.
i really have no idea now.
i am seriously tired and sick of the every alternate days quarrels and cold wars.
is this really meant to be?
i wanna drown myself in a sea of work now.
i'm glad there's you.
let's just keep dancing_____.